Tag Archives: worry

A Tangled Mess And Chicken Thoughts

January 27, 2015 RunAndBeStill 2 Comments

Radio silence…and where to begin. There are so many thoughts flying around in my head right now, so many changes around the corner. I can’t even begin to fathom. I have this tangled up knot of thoughts and feelings and emotions and “what ifs,” and worries, and fears, and dreams. I have been trying to untangle it, following each thread to see where it may lead. Then I have these stray thoughts that go flying through my head like chickens, squawking and flapping and making a huge ruckus, distracting me from the progress I had been making on untangling the other mess. (I don’t know why chickens. I am telling you, I am a wreck.) You see, this is what happens when you set a “wow” goal at the beginning of 2015 and find that God isn’t going to waste anytime getting to work – on you and for you.

Let me back up and see if I can untangle at least one thought line for you. I don’t usually buy into New Year’s Resolutions. Mine usually occur in the back-to school-season. (That’s when I make my grand plans for all the Good Things I am going to accomplish as we transition from summer chaos to school day chaos. Er, I mean school day orderliness…sorry random thought thread.) But this year I did kind of jump on the band wagon with a nod to setting a “wow” goal. And that’s when the wheels began to come off of the comfortable I had set up for myself and the knot started compounding exponentially and the chickens came to roost. (Read A Reflection…A Resolution for my “wow” goal inspiration.)

Have you ever felt like you were a spectator in your own life? Over the past week that is exactly where I have found myself. I gave my “wow” goal to God at the beginning of the year and figured we would have a nice, steady, 12-month, slow and measured movement to it’s completion. Instead, I have found myself quickly face to face with “wow” and God. Major career change, a brand new business opportunity-maybe, and this huge blank slate (optimistic) or hole (pessimistic) that I don’t know what I am supposed to do with.

I know (in my head) that to live in obedience we go when God says go. Abraham didn’t know where he was going but God told him to pack up and move out and he did. (And this wasn’t just taking a walk around the block. He had tents and animals and people and all of their stuff that they packed up. He left behind everything that he had known, aka comfort and safety.) Abraham was on a need-to-know basis with God which meant only seeing as far as the next step and even that was cloudy for him at times. That scares and exhilarates me at the same time. This is what faith and complete dependance on God look like.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I want to respond like Abraham, I feel more like Jonah. Jonah didn’t want to go. I was ok with just kind of going. I wanted both, safety and following in faith and I had lots of excuses, just like Jonah, about why I couldn’t just step out. But when God say go, you go. And if you don’t He will take every excuse away and kick you out anyway. So now I am kicked out and I don’t know where I am going. Make sense? It makes no sense and perfect sense at the same time. That’s why I am a tangled up mess with chickens running around in my head.

Who knew that God moving could be so terrifying? But there is another side to this. And this is the side that has kept me from losing it altogether and quiets the chickens. I am not alone and this is not my plan to figure out. Outside of my comfort there are amazing things waiting for me. God-things are waiting for me!

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”(Matthew 6:31-34)

These are Jesus’ words meant for comfort and instruction. His promise to us. I am learning to live in what author Nicky Gumbel calls “day-tight compartments.” One day at a time. As Corrie ten Boom put it, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow; but it empties today of strength.” We are called to change our ambitions and priorities and take on a new set that are both exciting and challenging: “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

Being on a need-to-know basis is shaking up everything that I knew and 2015 is going to be an adventure. This…this “wow” thing that is beginning to take shape is not at all what I thought or expected, but it is leading me directly into the presence of Jesus. There is so much more…more to say and share and discover but it’s still all tangled up. Will you adventure with me and see what surprises lie in the great unknown?

How is your 2015 going?

Encouragement

Knock, Knock

August 31, 2013 RunAndBeStill 1 Comment

What do you do when fear comes knocking? This week I was told by my doctor that the blood supply to my brain may be insufficient at times. While this isn’t a major problem right now it could potentially become one. I won’t go into all of the medical explanations but will just say this, I thought I had covered all of the facets of fear my disease held, dealt with them, and filed them away. I was wrong, and this sent my blood pressure rocketing skyward. I am unable to control this situation. I am unable to DO anything to prevent or fix it. I have been here so many times and yet every time fear comes knocking and I answer the door I am unprepared. My brain struggles against what I know to be true. I need to just be still and rest in The Lord. It’s one thing to write about it and another thing to live it. So, I share with you, in authenticity and transparency, today. Here I struggle. Instead, I need to take my own advice from last Sunday, when I had no idea what the week would hold and I posted don’t worry about anything, pray about everything. When fear comes knocking it’s easy to let your brain run away with the “What If” game. You launch yourself ahead of God’s plans for you, you assume the worst, and you come to conclusions without ever stopping along the route to listen to what God has to say about it. I can’t imagine that I am the only one whose brain functions this way. This is my brain on default mode, hurtling into the future trying to sort out answers and solve problems, even before they exist. I have to make a concerted effort to say “STOP!” When fear comes knocking I have to ask, is this perception or reality? Is this of me or is this of God? If it’s fear, I can assure you it’s NOT of God. He doesn’t want us to live in fear. Verse after verse in the Bible Jesus tells us “do not be afraid.” But fear is a very real part of our lives. We can expect it to show up but we can’t allow it control us, not our thoughts, our actions, or how we live every day. This, at least for me, takes a concerted effort. It takes a conscious decision to let God have control of whatever is causing the fear. In this case, the very way the blood courses through my veins and arteries. And an even more concerted effort not to take that fear back after I have released it, not to obsess on it, but instead to pray over it. We are to turn our fears into our prayers. We aren’t to bottle it up, but let it out. Let it flow from us to the very throne of God. Let your fear drive you to God, not to madness. I speak those words to myself, afirm what I know to be true, and crawl towards God, worn down and worn out by the out of control spinning of my own thoughts.

Here is something, written by David Jeremiah, that I bookmarked a month after being diagnosed with Takayasu’s arteritus a year and a half ago. I refer back to it whenever I need a reminder of how to dissipate fear, how to rob it of the power it holds over us. “When fear is on your doorstep, express your faith. David said in Psalm 27:1, ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?’ We know David is in trouble and fear is knocking on his door. The rest of the Psalm speaks of his enemies and trouble. Yet, here he is expressing his faith out loud and aggressively. He is saying what he knows, even though his feelings don’t match what he’s expressing. We can’t have a blind kind of simple faith that’s not objectively attached to anything and get through fear. Jesus says that as a believer in Him, you don’t go through trouble alone. In the midst of his trouble, David can say, ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation, and I know that I don’t have to be afraid.’

Can a person just stop worrying and start trusting? One day I read something that impressed me so profoundly that I haven’t worried since then. It said: ‘A man of God in the will of God is immortal until his work on earth is done.’ What that meant to me was that as long as I am a man of God doing the will of God, nothing can touch me until God is done with me. When He’s done with me, I don’t want to be around anymore.”

That is so profound to me. If I am in the will of God, going where God wants me to go, I can be sure that God knows what He is doing with me. Even in sickness and sidelining. Even when I don’t like it or understand it. God knows what He is doing and I don’t have to be afraid. And I will keep professing that until my feelings catch up with my words and embrace it as truth. Some days it takes longer than others.

Still Moments

August 25, 2013 RunAndBeStill 1 Comment

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NLT)

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:34 NLT)

One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. (Luke 18:1 NLT)

Never stop praying. (1 Thessalonians 5:17 NLT)

August 2013, Encouragement

The View From My Mountain

August 21, 2013 RunAndBeStill Leave a comment

Worry. I worry about my kids, their safety, their bumps and bruises. I worry when they are with me and especially when they aren’t. I worry about my husband, his stress level, his commute back and forth to work, and every time he gets on a plane to defy gravity. I worry about my own health, analyzing every headache, pain, and especially the days when I just can’t seem to get in gear. I worry about my parents; I worry about my grandmothers. I worry about the world in general and many times in specific. What kind of mess are we leaving to our children and grandchildren? I could keep going but I think you understand. Welcome to my looming mountain, Mt. Worry.

We all have things in our lives that start out small and suddenly gain a life of their own. An errant thought, or maybe we feel, correctly or incorrectly, that we have been wronged and we hold onto that. Whatever your mountain is, chances are it didn’t start out that way. We have a way of taking a small speed bump and through our fretting, fussing, and outright obsessing, we feed it. Making it bigger and bigger until it looms in front of us, casting a shadow on everything, and completely obstructing our view. We have created a mountain. Take a moment right now, if you would indulge me, and think about what your mountain is.

Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. (Mark 11:22, 23 NLT)

Are you ready to claim victory over your mountain? Are you ready to see it thrown into the sea? Name your mountain and then release it to God, for real, mind and spirit, with both hands. Let it go. Talk to God about it, let Him help you understand why you don’t have to be a prisoner to your mountain. Believe that He can not only shrink your mountain but throw it into the abyss. Hold onto His promises. Cultivate your faith.

I know that God holds my today and all of my tomorrows in the palm of His hand, and not just mine. Remember the Sunday School song we used to sing, “He’s got the whole world in His hands.” Nothing that happens takes God by surprise. That means that all of my worry and fretting over what might be are just a strength draining activity. The God who loves me is in control and if I can trust Him with eternity, why can’t I trust Him for today? I will confess that this doesn’t always come easily but if I can overcome my mountain, believe me, so can you! Prayer moves mountains…

Father, your word says that prayer moves mountains, that You will take my mountain and throw it into the sea. Today, I am struggling Lord. You know what my mountain is, You know my struggle. Rock by rock please help me remove this mountain from my life. Lord, I know that this will not be easy, that I will need Your help. Please remind me of this when I forget and try to go it alone. I also know that this may not happen overnight and so I pray for patience and endurance. And when I fail, please give me the strength and courage to continue on. Lord, I also know that this process may be painful. Please be a salve to these wounds, for I do believe your promise to throw my mountain into the sea. And Lord, I can’t wait for the day when I can claim victory over it! When the world will see your glory shining through me. Father, I love you and I am trying so to keep my eyes on you. Thank you for loving me and for caring about my mountains. In your loving, holy name. Amen.