Tag Archives: desperate for God

The Unspoken…A Cry In The Night

October 27, 2013 RunAndBeStill Leave a comment

Charles Spurgeon once remarked that “the best style of prayer is that which cannot be called anything else but a cry.”

Last week I had my 5th cardiac MRI since my diagnosis of Takayasu’s arteritus in January of 2012. In the days since I have often found myself much like the woman in the photo, on my knees on the side of my bed crying out to God. The Lord continues to keep my disease in remission but I know that all of that can change. With one blood test, one MRI, one beat of my heart, I will be facing an entirely new chapter in this story. For today, I praise God for answering the cries of my heart and wanted to share with you a journal entry that I wrote on April 15, 2012 as I faced my first MRI after being diagnosed. It was a good reminder to me as I have settled into living under the banner if this disease that I need to continue to cling to my dependence and not grow complacent in remission…

Today marks the beginning of the week I have been waiting for, praying for. I have been excited for this week and dreading it. I have been afraid to hope for a miracle but confident that my God is capable. So today, more than in days prior, as Friday gets ever closer, I find myself at God’s throne pleading for intervention, for rescue…for a miracle. I have been through the medical regimen, done everything the doctors have said to do, and now have come full circle back to where I began this journey, on my knees desperately crying out to God. With full confidence that while sometimes all I can do is cry out, God is intimately aware of what is in my heart. The closer Friday gets, the more imminent the answers I have been searching for, the more my prayers become nothing more than this frightened, desperate cry because, in all honesty, I am afraid of being let down.

Through all of this I have learned some very important lessons, particularly in regard to prayer. First of all, that is exactly what prayer is supposed to be…first. Through prayer God is able to encourage us, to lift us up. When was the last time that you found yourself more discouraged after spending time with God in prayer? It doesn’t happen. I have also learned that if your prayers aren’t impossible to you, they are insulting to God. Through answering our prayers God is able to show his power, his omnipotence, his divine intervention. When He answers, there will be no other reasonable or possible explanation to what we are experiencing. There is nothing God loves more than keeping promises, answering prayers, and performing miracles. It is who He is and what he does. I know He can, and I pray He will. I also know that He knows better than I what the path for my life needs to be and He won’t give me more than I can handle without His help. I have many times over the last weeks found myself overwhelmed and I know now that is exactly where God wants me. I read that raw dependence on God gives birth to the raw material out of which God performs His greatest miracles. Trouble, is one of God’s greatest tools because it reminds us how much we continually need the Lord. Otherwise, we tend to forget about entreating him. For some reason we want to carry on by ourselves. I have promised myself to never forget again, no matter what the outcome on Friday.

I haven’t stopped praying for my “medical” miracle but I continue to rest in the knowledge that my life is in the hands of my loving Father. No matter what the next test shows, He will not leave me or forsake me, and I will try my hardest to live this story for His glory.

If you find yourself crying out today, Jesus hears you and He understands your hurts. Let Him provide the healing comfort you need.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. (Hebrews 4:16 NLT)

Run and Be Still

It’s a book trailer…

October 16, 2013 RunAndBeStill Leave a comment

Run and Be Still Books now available in soft cover and hardback!

Plus, through Wed 10/23 take an additional 10% off with code BOOKTRAILERWP1013!

Things have been busy lately (to put it mildly.) Tonight, I am excited to share my newest project with you, the book trailer, in addition to offering my WordPress readers a special discount. Enjoy and thanks for reading!

Run and Be Still

Oh! Happy Day!

September 30, 2013 RunAndBeStill 2 Comments

AMEN! The day has arrived and I have a real book in my hand! What an unbelievable feeling of achievement but I am also humbled beyond belief at what God has accomplished already through this. It’s been an adventure and I have a feeling it is only the beginning. Books will begin shipping 10/7/13. To pre-order an author signed copy or learn more about the book visit our bookstore or the Run and Be Still book page.

I have had this quote marked for a long time because I loved it. Today, I leave you with it…

If someone writes a great story, people praise the author, not the pen. People don’t say, “Oh what an incredible pen…Where can I get a pen like this so I can write great stories?” Well, I am just a pen in the hands of The Lord. He is the author. All praise should go to Him.

Encouragement

Strength Training

September 4, 2013 RunAndBeStill Leave a comment

I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” Philip Yancey

There is something about fall, back to school, back to routines, cooler weather, and brilliant blue skies that makes me introspective and reflective. And so, as I sit in my very favorite coffee spot, with a steaming cup of coffee by my side, I am lost in days past.

Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.” John 14:8

Tuesday, November 15, 2011 as I drove to pick up my kids from school I started having heart palpitations, two echocardiograms, a 24-hr halter, a stress test, two ultrasounds, six MRIs, two PET scans, numerous blood draws, and countless doctors appointments, the fear of an unknown diagnosis and then the reality of an actual diagnosis later I sit here today a different person. I still get squeamish at blood draws but at least have gotten better at remembering medication on a daily basis (our medicine cabinet looks like a pharmacy), and more importantly remembering to eat when I take it. Otherwise, I pay for it for the better part of the day with nausea. I have started running, eating better, and made taking care of myself a priority.

It is hard for me to believe that it has been almost 6 mo since my last MRI, with another looming on the horizon, and almost two years since this whole journey began. In a month I have another MRI presenting another opportunity for God to show his miraculous power through complete healing. I rest confident in the knowledge though that whatever happens, my God is in control and has a magnificent plan that continues to unfold.

Thank you to ALL for your continued support though reading my ramblings and sharing in this journey with me. Your continued dedication buoys my spirit in ways I am not sure I even grasp. I am so thankful that I am not going this alone, I can’t even imagine what that would be like.

I want to just take a moment and, if you will indulge me, share with you the greatest lesson that I have learned in all of this. The most difficult, humbling lesson for me.

The lesson is straight out of 2 Corinthians, Paul’s second letter to the people of Corinth, written after he had to sneak out of the city of Damascus. Paul says, “As I look back upon that night, when I was so discouraged, so defeated, I can see that then I started to learn the secret of effective, victorious living, I had thought my learning and my intelligent understanding of the Scriptures, my Hebrew background and all my qualifications would be the keys that would open the hearts of these Jews in Damascus to me, but I found they weren’t. I had to leave like a common criminal. There and then the Lord Jesus began to teach me the wonderful lesson that out of weakness I am made strong; that when I am weakest, he is the strongest. That I can do nothing on my own or through my own power. Out of that,” he says, “I have learned the great lesson of rejoicing and glorying in my weakness.”

For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10) Paul speaks of his experience of a “thorn in the flesh,” something I can greatly identify with. This ugly thing that kept pestering him, prodding him, aggravating him, and hurting him. He begged to have it taken away, but the word of the Lord came, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in our weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9b) Paul’s “thorn” was never removed and mine my never be either. That thorn, ensures that every day is lived fully within the grasp of His grace.

That is the secret of strength: not outward impressiveness; not great prestige, pomp and favor. Neither does strength lie in a brilliant, impressive personality, nor in ability to speak with eloquence. Strength, true strength, lies in a heart that realizes that it can do nothing apart from a complete dependence on a living Lord within. The weaker you are, the stronger Christ can be.

Isn’t that encouraging? Doesn’t that strengthen you? I know it has, and continues to strengthen me. The things that I tried to do on my own before, didn’t and never would have amounted to anything. But He can do all things through me. In and through all of this, that is the greatest lesson that I have learned.

Out of weakness comes an unbelievable strength…

Father God, I pour out my heart to you this morning. I am filled with a sense of awe at how You can take something unimaginably painful and turn it into something beautiful for Your purposes. I have seen You, Father. You have continued to show up, at every bump and every stumble. Please remind me on the days that I have trouble seeing You that it isn’t because You have left me, but instead because I haven’t slowed down enough to let you catch up. Remind me Father, that I don’t have to be everything to everyone, that there are no appearances that I have to keep up, and that plastering a fake smile on and acting like everything is ok when it isn’t rob you of an opportunity to pour your love and strength into my days. Remind me Father, that you desire a weak and broken spirit, for it is then that we are able to be used greatly for Your glory. I want so badly to be used…Amen.

Encouragement

Knock, Knock

August 31, 2013 RunAndBeStill 1 Comment

What do you do when fear comes knocking? This week I was told by my doctor that the blood supply to my brain may be insufficient at times. While this isn’t a major problem right now it could potentially become one. I won’t go into all of the medical explanations but will just say this, I thought I had covered all of the facets of fear my disease held, dealt with them, and filed them away. I was wrong, and this sent my blood pressure rocketing skyward. I am unable to control this situation. I am unable to DO anything to prevent or fix it. I have been here so many times and yet every time fear comes knocking and I answer the door I am unprepared. My brain struggles against what I know to be true. I need to just be still and rest in The Lord. It’s one thing to write about it and another thing to live it. So, I share with you, in authenticity and transparency, today. Here I struggle. Instead, I need to take my own advice from last Sunday, when I had no idea what the week would hold and I posted don’t worry about anything, pray about everything. When fear comes knocking it’s easy to let your brain run away with the “What If” game. You launch yourself ahead of God’s plans for you, you assume the worst, and you come to conclusions without ever stopping along the route to listen to what God has to say about it. I can’t imagine that I am the only one whose brain functions this way. This is my brain on default mode, hurtling into the future trying to sort out answers and solve problems, even before they exist. I have to make a concerted effort to say “STOP!” When fear comes knocking I have to ask, is this perception or reality? Is this of me or is this of God? If it’s fear, I can assure you it’s NOT of God. He doesn’t want us to live in fear. Verse after verse in the Bible Jesus tells us “do not be afraid.” But fear is a very real part of our lives. We can expect it to show up but we can’t allow it control us, not our thoughts, our actions, or how we live every day. This, at least for me, takes a concerted effort. It takes a conscious decision to let God have control of whatever is causing the fear. In this case, the very way the blood courses through my veins and arteries. And an even more concerted effort not to take that fear back after I have released it, not to obsess on it, but instead to pray over it. We are to turn our fears into our prayers. We aren’t to bottle it up, but let it out. Let it flow from us to the very throne of God. Let your fear drive you to God, not to madness. I speak those words to myself, afirm what I know to be true, and crawl towards God, worn down and worn out by the out of control spinning of my own thoughts.

Here is something, written by David Jeremiah, that I bookmarked a month after being diagnosed with Takayasu’s arteritus a year and a half ago. I refer back to it whenever I need a reminder of how to dissipate fear, how to rob it of the power it holds over us. “When fear is on your doorstep, express your faith. David said in Psalm 27:1, ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?’ We know David is in trouble and fear is knocking on his door. The rest of the Psalm speaks of his enemies and trouble. Yet, here he is expressing his faith out loud and aggressively. He is saying what he knows, even though his feelings don’t match what he’s expressing. We can’t have a blind kind of simple faith that’s not objectively attached to anything and get through fear. Jesus says that as a believer in Him, you don’t go through trouble alone. In the midst of his trouble, David can say, ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation, and I know that I don’t have to be afraid.’

Can a person just stop worrying and start trusting? One day I read something that impressed me so profoundly that I haven’t worried since then. It said: ‘A man of God in the will of God is immortal until his work on earth is done.’ What that meant to me was that as long as I am a man of God doing the will of God, nothing can touch me until God is done with me. When He’s done with me, I don’t want to be around anymore.”

That is so profound to me. If I am in the will of God, going where God wants me to go, I can be sure that God knows what He is doing with me. Even in sickness and sidelining. Even when I don’t like it or understand it. God knows what He is doing and I don’t have to be afraid. And I will keep professing that until my feelings catch up with my words and embrace it as truth. Some days it takes longer than others.

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More than a Sunday morning Christian

July 21, 2013 RunAndBeStill Leave a comment

I need a Christianity that is more than Sunday morning pomp and circumstance. My desire is for a Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday love, real grace and mercy for when we need it most. I believe this is what the world is looking for as well. The challenge is to be more, to live a real Christian life. The Word of God is unchanging, immovable, the same today as it was yesterday and it will remain just as rock solid tomorrow. God is not swayed by the changing social culture, the current president, or the wayward winter winds that blow. But it’s easier and less confrontational to just go with the flow.

John Piper explains it this way. “…it’s the lack of a sense of desperation for God that is so deadly. If we don’t feel desperate for God, we don’t tend to cry out to him. Love for this present world sets in subtly, like a spiritual leprosy, damaging spiritual nerve endings so that we don’t feel the erosion and decay happening until it’s too late.”

“This environment can be deadly to faith. It allows false faith to masquerade as real faith very easily. And its power to dissipate zeal and energy and mission-focus and willingness to risk is extraordinary because it doesn’t come to us with a whip and a threat. It comes to us with a pillow and a promise of comfort for us and our children. The former makes us desperate for God. The latter robs our sense of desperation.”

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
(Casting Crowns, Slow Fade)

Welcome to Sunday morning Christianity. Aren’t we called to be more?

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)