Radio silence…and where to begin. There are so many thoughts flying around in my head right now, so many changes around the corner. I can’t even begin to fathom. I have this tangled up knot of thoughts and feelings and emotions and “what ifs,” and worries, and fears, and dreams. I have been trying to untangle it, following each thread to see where it may lead. Then I have these stray thoughts that go flying through my head like chickens, squawking and flapping and making a huge ruckus, distracting me from the progress I had been making on untangling the other mess. (I don’t know why chickens. I am telling you, I am a wreck.) You see, this is what happens when you set a “wow” goal at the beginning of 2015 and find that God isn’t going to waste anytime getting to work – on you and for you.
Let me back up and see if I can untangle at least one thought line for you. I don’t usually buy into New Year’s Resolutions. Mine usually occur in the back-to school-season. (That’s when I make my grand plans for all the Good Things I am going to accomplish as we transition from summer chaos to school day chaos. Er, I mean school day orderliness…sorry random thought thread.) But this year I did kind of jump on the band wagon with a nod to setting a “wow” goal. And that’s when the wheels began to come off of the comfortable I had set up for myself and the knot started compounding exponentially and the chickens came to roost. (Read A Reflection…A Resolution for my “wow” goal inspiration.)
Have you ever felt like you were a spectator in your own life? Over the past week that is exactly where I have found myself. I gave my “wow” goal to God at the beginning of the year and figured we would have a nice, steady, 12-month, slow and measured movement to it’s completion. Instead, I have found myself quickly face to face with “wow” and God. Major career change, a brand new business opportunity-maybe, and this huge blank slate (optimistic) or hole (pessimistic) that I don’t know what I am supposed to do with.
I know (in my head) that to live in obedience we go when God says go. Abraham didn’t know where he was going but God told him to pack up and move out and he did. (And this wasn’t just taking a walk around the block. He had tents and animals and people and all of their stuff that they packed up. He left behind everything that he had known, aka comfort and safety.) Abraham was on a need-to-know basis with God which meant only seeing as far as the next step and even that was cloudy for him at times. That scares and exhilarates me at the same time. This is what faith and complete dependance on God look like.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I want to respond like Abraham, I feel more like Jonah. Jonah didn’t want to go. I was ok with just kind of going. I wanted both, safety and following in faith and I had lots of excuses, just like Jonah, about why I couldn’t just step out. But when God say go, you go. And if you don’t He will take every excuse away and kick you out anyway. So now I am kicked out and I don’t know where I am going. Make sense? It makes no sense and perfect sense at the same time. That’s why I am a tangled up mess with chickens running around in my head.
Who knew that God moving could be so terrifying? But there is another side to this. And this is the side that has kept me from losing it altogether and quiets the chickens. I am not alone and this is not my plan to figure out. Outside of my comfort there are amazing things waiting for me. God-things are waiting for me!
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”(Matthew 6:31-34)
These are Jesus’ words meant for comfort and instruction. His promise to us. I am learning to live in what author Nicky Gumbel calls “day-tight compartments.” One day at a time. As Corrie ten Boom put it, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow; but it empties today of strength.” We are called to change our ambitions and priorities and take on a new set that are both exciting and challenging: “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”
Being on a need-to-know basis is shaking up everything that I knew and 2015 is going to be an adventure. This…this “wow” thing that is beginning to take shape is not at all what I thought or expected, but it is leading me directly into the presence of Jesus. There is so much more…more to say and share and discover but it’s still all tangled up. Will you adventure with me and see what surprises lie in the great unknown?
How is your 2015 going?