Category Archives: Love Boldly

Adoption, For Esperanza, Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly

The Road That We Travel

December 31, 2019 RunAndBeStill Leave a comment

As we tiptoe into the world of adoption, and as I find more and more pieces of my heart taken by hurting and broken kids, these words from Anne Heffron (an adoptee herself,) really gave me pause. They just seemed to fit this place I am in right now and I found them so valuable. As a “fixer” I am after the happy ending. I keep waiting to turn the corner, to the exhale of “and then everything was ok.” These last few weeks have made me realize, well, that just isn’t always reality. For anyone who knows a kid or an adult from a hard place, I think you will find this valuable as well. It’s through this lens that I have processed my last trip to Guatemala.

I think many people adopt babies for the same reason people adopt kittens: they want something soft to protect and love that will love them back. What if you think of an adoptee more like a porcupine? A porcupine doesn’t choose to have quills. It just has them, and this changes the way you can touch it. Hoping that one day the quills will disappear and soft fur will emerge is useless and harmful. What if adopting a child does not guarantee you will receive love back in the same measure you give it (or, I have to say, at all)? Would you still travel this road?

We like our stories to have happy endings, and we force most of our experiences through the funnel of “and then everything was okay,” and I’m here to tell you that I’m doing the best I can in this life with the body and mind I was given: one full of glass shards, and it’s a lot of work to try to keep up with those who weren’t in an “accident.” I know the ending is supposed to be happy, and so I’m trying. When you look at me with your lipid eyes, wondering why I don’t open up to you, I won’t tell you it’s because I can’t. I won’t tell you it’s because I am in so much pain I can’t even process your questions. I won’t tell you because I know you won’t understand. I won’t tell you because maybe I don’t understand myself. I won’t tell you because you are asking a porcupine why it doesn’t purr, and this blindness makes me fear that either you or I are crazy, and this fear makes real communication feel impossible.

Somewhere over the US, between Georgia and Ohio, as we were closing in on home in the waning hours on a Tuesday, I woke up with a start and had a moment of unfocused clarity. “What in the world are we doing? How did life end up like this?”

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. This past year we have covered thousands and thousands of miles, one step at a time, some have been big steps and some little steps, some fast, some frustratingly, agonizingly slow. It brought mountains and impossibilities, and tears and fears, but also answered prayers, and hope lost and hope renewed, and on this night, the realization, unlike ever before, of the viciousness of the double-edged sword of love.

This isn’t necessarily our adoption story, although that was why I was on this plane, headed home, one week before Christmas, with a constant running list of to-dos in my mind. Our son, who has been the catalyst for impossible prayers, tears, and our faith-multiplying story of a God of redemption who keeps His promises and never forgets, is never far from my thoughts. And I fully believe, that one of these times, he is going to be sitting next to me, winging over the mountains, and heading home, with us, forever.

In the middle of this night though, my heart was aching for the other goodbyes that I had to say on this day, aching for the boys whom hope has escaped. The boys who will never know family like they deserve. The boys who are prickly and full of pain that I will never fully understand, no matter how hard I try.

I know I have said it before, but because it smacked me in the face again on this trip, I am reminded of how terrifying hope is. What happens when what you have hoped for doesn’t happen? What happens when what you have prayed for, desperately, isn’t answered? What happens when the secret longings of your heart fade, unmet? How long before it changes you? How long before you give up on it and walk away?

As is the dichotomy of the milestones in our adoption journey, our personal victories seem to be marked by other’s tragic circumstances. Our celebrations magnify their loss.

On this night, I rested easy in the knowledge that our son knows we love him, that we want him, that he is a blessing to us from God. He knows that although I have to leave, I will be back. He knows that he is part of a family. And until he understands it, at least he knows it. I have seen with my own eyes the difference it is making in his life. This child is not the same child who we invited into our family 6 months ago. God is doing a work in his heart and I am beyond grateful that he has chosen us to be his hands and feet in this endeavor.

But, this “before” story isn’t unique. He is but one child waiting on a family. For years he carried the weight of “why not me?” that so many of the children I know carry. The burden of unspoken despair that fills hope’s absence. On this night, these burdened were the ones my heart was hurting for. Suspended above the earth, shoulder to shoulder with a stranger, these were the feelings I was trying to sort through.

My world, as much as our son’s has changed in the last year and in all of the redemption that I have seen in his story, I also find myself with a front row seat to a world of destruction and brokenness. This world is very different from mine and not only unfamiliar, but uncomfortable. These things, combined with having to watch the ones I have come to love, endure the consequences of such a world can be terrifying and heartbreaking at times. Their failures, their screw-ups, their missteps, the times when they literally blow it all to hell, they leave me wishing I could do more.

On nights like this, this life cuts my faith to the quick. And as I said goodbye to one sweet, hurting soul today, I tried to encourage him that there is always hope, even as he protested in disagreement and disbelief. I slipped off my esperanza (hope) bracelet that I have worn for years, urging him to put it on and be reminded that God is able to redeem any situation. I have to believe it because if I don’t, where does it leave me? How do we continue to push forward without hope when it all seems so exhausting?

It is so hard to keep hope alive during the waiting. For these kids, they are stuck in an endless, heartbreaking, wait. Waiting to be reunited with their family. Identity. Longing to be chosen by a family. Belonging.

Pick me. Choose me. Love me

How did I get here? Holding my breath, waiting on the exhale of the happy ending, waiting on it all to be ok. And if it’s not, well, we still continue to travel this road. I will “mom-love” as many of these kids as God will allow, whatever that looks like, for however long I have.

For those who are following the adoption process, on December 9th, we received our Notice of Decision in the mail. Our adoption application was denied by USCIS. Not specifically because Guatemala is closed to international adoptions, but because our home study wasn’t signed and dated. Essentially, we were stuck in a catch 22 because no agency is certified to process a Guatemalan adoption, no agency is certified to do a Guatemalan Hague Review. I will say that in some ways, our denial was received with a bit of relief, at least now we knew and I didn’t have to spend my days waiting on an answer anymore. On this Monday night, we also knew this, God did not bring us this far to leave us here, denied. We didn’t know which direction he was leading, when it would happen, what it would be, but we knew hope. There weren’t a lot of words spoken this particular evening, what was there left to say. But we went to bed with a prayer on our lips, buried in our hearts, “Lord lead us. We are waiting here for you.”

Just when my hallelujah was tired You gave me a new song…

The next morning, He led us directly to an adoptive mother who’s compassion and connections, position, and knowledge, have opened doors we couldn’t have imagined having access to, people who believe in us, in what we are fighting for, coming alongside of us, with the knowledge and resources, to not only help us carry it but take the lead in driving it forward. In our darkest moment, God breathed fresh life and hope into our situation. Providing a new adoption agency, an attorney, and multiple advocacy groups rallying around us, and the cause. A group we have affectionately dubbed “our dream team.” Next week my question for them is, how do we bring our son home this year.

2019 was a wild ride. I have no idea what 2020 will bring. I have a feeling it’s going to require a good deal of courage and grace and I am going to need to consciously hold on to hope because I know just how slippery it can be. I know that Christmas has passed but these are words that I am going to hang onto, and remember, as the waiting gets long in 2020.

Jesus didn’t arrive without a wait. While you and I simply turn the page, moving effortlessly from the end of the Old Testament promises to the opening of Matthew’s Gospel, it wasn’t quite that easy. Four hundred years of silence spanned the gap between the final prophecies spoken in Malachi (the last Old Testament book) and the birth of Christ.

Imagine four hundred years without a word from God—no voice, no prophet, nothing. Imagine the agony of waiting, and the struggle to keep faith in the promises given long before. You can almost hear the questions being passed from one generation to the next. Was God gone? Was He ever really there? Was faith in Him just a waste?

From the beginning, the Christmas story has been one of fulfilled longing. It reaffirms our faith and gives us reason to celebrate the goodness and nearness of God. As we struggle with our own sense of silence and strain to see God at work in our messy lives, Christmas urges us on by reminding us that God will come through on His promises.

~Excerpt from Waiting Here for You by Louie Giglio

On your mark. Get set. Ready or not, here comes 2020…

Adoption, Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly

An update that is kind of all over the place

December 4, 2019 RunAndBeStill Leave a comment

I realized it’s been a month, with another week spent in Guatemala, since I shared any type of update. Please grant me some grace as I am barely able to form a coherent sentence at the moment, between traveling, managing the busiest season in fundraising (and having surprise needs arise as we had 8 computers stolen from the Casa Bernabé school…so much for having a fundraising plan. It becomes more about meeting the urgent need in this instance. You can read about all of that here.) Add Christmas merchandising and Casa Bernabé Christmas gifts, my own family’s Christmas decorating and shopping, a return trip to Guatemala in a week for another court hearing and a Christmas party (because why not?) and trying desperately to reach the heights of the Department of State to propel our adoption forward.

Loving here, loving there, needing and wanting to be there or here no matter where I find myself and the there or here is. Is it any wonder I can barely think let alone speak? I used to think managing Ty and Mae’s sports and practice schedules were stressful. Multiply that times 1000s of miles and two plane rides, different cultures and languages and it gets infinitely more complicated…first and last days of school, sporting events, court dates, holidays, guilt, frustration, do more, be more. I see where all of this is headed and I am powerless to stop it. My insides basically feel like a Trans-Siberian Orchestra song. (In case you need an audio example of how I am feeling.)

I am living in this dichotomy of “Be Still” and the reality that there is so much that needs done. Throw in the inevitable second guessing of every decision and “still” looks more like paralysis by analysis.

So where do we stand? Our home study was submitted last week, approved but unsigned and un-reviewed for Hague regulations because of the Catch 22 we find ourselves continually in (adoption is still “officially” closed with Guatemala.) Two letters of support and explanation accompanied it, one from our social worker, one from our adoption agency. Should we have included one? What should it have said?

Days before the home study was submitted, I was in the Embassy in Guatemala and for the first time, had it confirmed to me, by a US official, that, yes, conversations are happening to reopen adoption. The wheels are turning, there is progress happening. It just seems that it isn’t happening in time for us. Or so we were informed during our visit. The conversations haven’t gone to a high enough level and there isn’t an official bi-lateral agreement in place. This means that adoption will officially remain closed until this happens. We don’t have an answer as to when that will change. It could be next month or “not for years” according to the lady we spoke to.

Having your absolute worst fears spoken out loud to you does more than take your breath away. All I could think as I was walking out of the Embassy was, “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Just breathe and get out of here before you fall apart.”

I was whisked from the Embassy into a restaurant for lunch and a pep talk with two amazing women who helped me see that this is just one more step. If their “no” is because the Department of State is moving too slowly then we thank them for letting us know where the hold up is and mount a campaign to find someone who cares enough to champion this cause within the government. We have faced impossible before and God has shown us that it isn’t. Our job now is to figure out how to get to those people.

(Side note, even as I type this, I am reminded of this passage in Exodus, a favorite of mine. Moses told the people, as they faced the impossible situation of the Red Sea on one side and an advancing Egyptian army on the other, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” (Exodus 14:13-14) Stop! Knock it off! Quit trying to save yourself and do the impossible. Are you going to swim? Are you going to fight? It will not turn out well for you. God has a plan, so get out of the way and let Him work! I know that it isn’t my job to figure out how to get to those people. But there are times when we play a part in God’s plans. It’s not always about standing on the sidelines…so you see, paralysis by analysis. When do we move? When do we stand still? Is this the Red Sea or more like Noah needing to physically pick up a hammer? This is the state of my mind these days. Add Spanish to the mix and I am a super hot mess!)

Back to our lunch…They also reminded me that the last person to tell me no like this is now unemployed (the ex-director of CNA.) HA! That at least got a laugh.

Beating the bushes and knocking on doors…that’s what I came home ready to do. This week I looked up a contact that I had made in July, a very well-connected immigration and adoption attorney, who had given me very little hope of ever getting to the place that we are standing today. But, as I remembered on Sunday night, he was interested in being kept in the loop. So I looped him in and today he connected me with the head of the Center for Adoption Policy who is preparing to meet with top Department of State officials and very interested in our story. Will it be enough? Did we make the connection in time? I don’t know.

The not knowing is killing me. There is so much that I don’t have the answers to.

In the meantime, in the not knowing I keep going back to Guatemala to spend as much time as I can with our sweet boy. It isn’t ideal but it is changing him (and me.) One evening during my last trip, he told one of the boys, as we were looking at some old pictures, “My sister is coming tomorrow.” (Mae got to join me for the Dia de Gracias celebration at CB.) The other boy was asking the ages of Ty and Mae and JC interjected and said, “I’m the littlest one.” He has a family and more than that, he knows it. He knows he is loved and wanted. This is so huge!

Tonight, as I sit in the quiet of our living room. I was looking through some of my old posts. It’s kind of like going through an old journal, and I came across a few that made me pause. One was written just one month after we returned from our first trip to Guatemala. The fateful trip that changed our lives.

It was just over a month ago that I was sitting on the floor in the back corner of a church in Guatemala City, listening to Sunday morning’s message, translated so that I could understand it. The message was titled A Mile of Faith, it’s subject, the walk of the blind man in John 9. It’s this muddy eyed walk that I have been thinking about. Jesus is walking with his disciples and suddenly stops, stoops down, spits into the dirt to make some mud, then smears it on the blind man’s face. He then commands the blind man to go and wash it in a certain pool of water. Unseeing, (and since he didn’t ask to be healed, quite possibly thinking “Um ok, what in the world just happened?”) the blind man trusted and with mud and spit smeared on his eyes, he walked to the pool. He didn’t get halfway there and stop, deciding it was a fools errand. He didn’t just turn and wipe the spit and dirt from his eyes, thinking to himself “crazy man.” The blind man trusted and he walked. He obeyed and he gained miraculous sight.

And as I reflected on that very first trip and the Sunday morning message, one month after being back…

To God be the glory in all of this. This is His work. I am just trying to walk obediently, blindly but trusting. He is using my “nevers” for His purposes – His good. If this had been left up to me, if the past 12 months had followed my plans, this is not what it would have looked like. Suddenly, a passion and fire have been ignited, fueled, as I begin to see where this path may be leading. But, it is on the horizon still, and until I get closer, until my eyes are opened to seeing the fullness of it, I will just keep walking towards it.

What does your path look like? What would happen if you had the courage to walk blindly in the direction that God has called you to? Where would you be standing 12 months from now?

Twelve months after writing that, we had moved into a new house, I had made an unplanned trip back to Guatemala, our family was praying about the possibility of an education visa for JC and I was applying for a new job as Development Director!! One heck of a blind mile…

As I mentioned, part of that mile was our big move. At that time I had referred to the new house and our crazy actions as a “better fit for our growing family,” without ever having an idea what that was actually going to mean. I just meant my kids were getting bigger and was trying to justify our seeming temporary insanity! You see, in the span of 8 days we went from not even having a thought in our heads of selling our house to owning two houses. As I look back the house was one of the biggest hurdles we would have had to overcome to even consider an adoption. God cleared it without our even having a clue. The thing I remember most from these days is this…And this tiny whisper of a voice asking “Do you trust me?” On this day, every prayer for guidance was answered with this whisper of a question.

That circles me back to tonight as I sit in my quiet house, typing by the light of the Christmas tree. We are waiting, hoping, and praying for our Christmas miracle. Last year hope was something that was very difficult for me.

The first Sunday of Advent and the lighting of the candle of Hope…but man, hope is currently a scary and dangerous thing. Hope has my heart on the line, risks having it broken in two, risks disappointment, and sometimes it’s just easier, safer certainly, to protect that hurting heart rather than let the candle of Hope burn it to the ground.

I identify with the words of Ann VosKamp and Jason Hague,

How do you hope unlikely things because you love someone to death?

We all need to believe that things can change.

Sometimes believing in a miracle feels like living in a mirage. You can feel like a fool, walking around with your pitcher. Really, God? Really?

YES! I have asked God that, a lot lately. REALLY?! And every letter I have sent out seeking answers has been like seeking water in a mirage.

It seemed to me I had two choices: I could either live in perpetual sadness, or I could lower my level of hope.

Living in this land of the unknown, the waiting, the land of unanswered prayer, your heart throbs, maybe with anger, maybe with hurt, but almost certainly with disappointment.

Yes! Everyday, my heart carries with it the burden of helplessness. I feel crazy and that pendulum can swing from righteously crazy to flat out delusional. Crazy. My orderly, logical mind, struggles everyday with seeing the way, seeking an answer, continuously chasing it’s proverbial tail.

And tonight, exactly one year later, I see the ways that God has worked in my heart, to heal it and restore hope. We have seen God’s hand moving mountains. We have gotten some answers, but have even more questions. Hope still terrifies me but I know that I will be ok no matter what happens because, as I tell JC all the time, God has a plan and we can trust it. It’s hard, it is so, so hard some days. But we have to hold on to that and walk through this together as the family that God has created us to be.

God’s got this. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But I believe with every ounce of my heart that God is going to bring this boy home. Will you please join us in praying for this? I absolutely believe that He has not brought us this far, showing himself powerful and merciful, time after time, to leave us here. And so tonight, that is my message to the world and a reminder to myself. The only way this happens is though an act of God. So, to God be the glory.

And this…the end of the post about our crazy, house buying experience…it was just the encouragement that I needed tonight. If you are waiting, hoping, and praying for a Christmas miracle, maybe it will be what you need as well. (I certainly had no idea what God’s plans were when I wrote this! I know what my plans were though and I can tell you it didn’t look anything like this.)

I made plans. I was going to take September off and just breathe (my exact words!) I made plans. I was going to sit at my super cute new desk and write.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I made plans. My plans were safe. My plans were comfortable. But instead of my plans I am choosing trust. And, in doing so find myself leaning into these verses and coming away with the crazy peace that Jesus gives.

“Rather, cling tightly to the Lord your God as you have done until now.” Joshua 23:8

“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.” Psalms 37:4-5

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Psalms 37:23-24

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?” Jeremiah 32:27

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“Do you trust me?” Yes. I am trying very hard to. But some days I just want to make the agenda for the day my own plans, to make the world conform to my timeline. And that is the truth and reality in the situation.

Thank you, past me. This was just what I needed.

Looking for three earlier posts I referenced?

When Hope Wears Thin

I Have Plans.

A Blind Mile

Adoption, For Esperanza, Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room

July 10, 2019 RunAndBeStill 3 Comments

6:50 pm Me: Is it ok to share this news publicly?

D: Yes – do it!

So here goes nothing…

10:30 am Words are falling short…maybe it’s more like the inability to form a cohesive sentence. My thoughts and entire inner being feel like they are running on high speed. There may come a day when I can better give voice to all that has happened…is happening. But today marks another in a series of “before and after days.” In a few short hours, a young boy is going to stand before a judge and tell the judge that he wants to come home with us. That he wants to be part of our family. He is going to tell that judge something I have been telling him for so long…he has a family. We are that family.

Just the facts ma’am…that all I feel like I can do right now. Copy and paste updates via text to everyone who is holding this up, and holding us together, through prayer. Right now, the emotion is being held at bay while I feel like I am holding my breath.

Just over 2 weeks ago everything changed. While my feet were on Guatemalan soil, we got some news that we have been praying about for months and months. It didn’t look like we thought it would, but a court date had been set for our sweet boy. We didn’t know why, it wasn’t expected and hadn’t happened for years. And the judge was someone who would be sympathetic to a request laid before him. An international adoption, a last ditch effort and an only option. A family – forever. This was our chance. Impossible isn’t for our God and this wasn’t a surprise for Him although it certainly came as one for us.

Cheering on our defender during a pick-up soccer game during this impromptu trip to Guatemala .

With this news, my husband, a man who loves his family and God so well, put everything else aside and within hours got on a plane, so that together, side by side, we could look into the eyes of our child and finally share our secret with him, the one whom it affected the most. This child’s sweet, honest words will forever be imprinted on my heart. When we had the privilege of inviting him to be part of our family, when we finally could give voice to the battle we have been waging for him for over a year and a half, when we could assure him that no matter what any judge, court, or government says, we are family, that it doesn’t matter how many “nos” we get, we are never going to give up the fight, when we completely blind-sided him and overwhelmed him with news that I am sure he was too terrified to ever hope for, when we finally gave breath to the conversation that has lived in my head over and over, his words were quiet, simple, as he processed all that we threw at him. And my heart melted. So many prayers, so much hurtful hope, so many tears. You are so loved sweet boy.

Celebrating the day after the secret was out!

If this day never came, I didn’t want to be able to look back and know that I didn’t do everything in my power to bring him home. I didn’t want to wonder if I could have done more to make it happen. But you know what? There is not a thing that I have done that has made any bit of this happen. Every. Single. Piece. Has been directly from the hand of God. There is absolutely no doubt of His plan, of His love for this child, of His greatness, of His movement. He is doing things in a way that can leave no doubt as to who is responsible for this. The credit, the glory, the praise belongs to Him and Him alone. Many days in this process I have cried out to him in frustration, in anger, in fear, on days when I felt that I was banging my head against a wall, begging him to move, begging him to speak, to act. “It is well” had come with a stripping away of so many layers of self, a painful scraping away but before this news I had gotten there. We had reached a place of acceptance of “maybe never.” But God is so good…He didn’t leave us there.

As the minutes drag forward today, construction hammers on in the background, a bedroom addition, our own ark of sorts, started in faith, now, God willing on a crash course of frenzied activity to hopefully be completed in time to accommodate our growing family.

The calendar stares at us unblinking with a circled milestone birthday only 35 days away and there is so much to do, so much to be accomplished between now and then, so many “yeses” that must replace “nos” and my heart rate speeds up and my chest tightens as the mountain looms impossibly large. To be so close and yet so far, and to be reminded that God specializes in one minute to midnight.

And the clock hands move, and I know he must be on his way by now, his nerves and my nerves are thrumming together, thousands of miles apart. I cling to the promise that God will finish what he has begun, that as much as I love this child, God loves him infinitely more. And I have to trust what is out of my control, I have to be content to sit, and wait, and breathe, and do nothing when everything inside of me screams at me to do otherwise. And a war wages on internally and my foot taps incessantly.

9:23 pm Because, as readers, you live outside of my space time continuum, you missed me pacing the floor this afternoon, missed the dear friend that came to sit with me (made me sit) until we heard some news. (And documented me answering my phone when the call finally came.)

the call

And now, without the agonizing suspense that I endured today I can tell you, aloud, publicly, for the first time, without the veiled conversation and innuendo, just as we were finally able to to share it with our sweet boy. We are currently working to adopt a child from Guatemala. Yes, I know adoption is closed. Yes, I know that this is “impossible.” But I also know that “What is impossible for people is possible with God.” He has already proven that over and over to us though this process.

Today, a Guatemalan judge ordered that steps be taken to explore the adoption process between Guatemala and the United States. People, this is God stuff!! Please join us in celebrating and praising God for all that he has done to get us to this place in time. And then, continue to pray because it’s not done yet and as soon as the judge ordered it the representatives from the Consejo Nacional De Adopcionescna (CNA) said they couldn’t do it. The judge replied that there is no legal reason for them not to proceed with this, he gave them a list of things that they must do and set our next court date for one month from now. You best believe that this mama will be down there next time. (Actually, as only God can do, I already had planned to be there!)

We need people talking about this, we need the government pushing for this, we need political and judicial connections locally. We need to be able to bring our son home!

The plan is to spend the next month generating publicity around this in Guatemala , bringing the decision to light, and the question posed to me was, “How big can you go?!” Can you help us go big? Please share this, spread the word, help bring pressure to bear on CNA as they try to stall this adoption process. A process they are now legally bound to comply with.

Here is a look back at where we have been on this journey.

This was not my plan

This was not my plan – Part 2

Please don’t stop praying

Down but not out

In Between

When Hope Wears Thin

Tonight we celebrate!

Adoption, advent, faith, Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly

When Hope Wears Thin

December 4, 2018 RunAndBeStill 2 Comments

Five weeks ago on Sunday morning, 5 days into my 2.5 week Guatemalan adventure, a weak warm breeze moved across my face as the ceiling fans twisted and turned, struggling to keep the stuffy, sun warmed air moving. Blanketed by a language I don’t speak, my mind continued to wander back to my very first experience in this place. A phone call made from the bottom of a bunk bed, undecipherable words uttered though broken-hearted sobs. An internal promise made for forever without any idea what that was going to cost, emotionally and spiritually and even less of an idea of what that was going to look like. I am still learning the depths of my heart, the passions it can carry within it. The very essence of who I am continues to be written. I find myself mixed up in something I could have never imagined, and it would be untrue if I said I wasn’t afraid of where God is leading in these flashbacks and passions ignited.

Eighteen days. A long time to be gone but I was blessed with the opportunity to spend this time working and loving and building relationships in what has become my second home. We shared meals, celebrated birthdays, played countless games of UNO and soccer, fumbled through the language barrier, laughed, and cried. Eighteen days I was given the chance to show up at the door of a very special house on the hill, creating memories, giving life to the promises I have made. My momma heart just wants to wrap them all up and level their path, take away their uncertainty of the future.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Psalms 37: 4. The verse of the day delivered to my phone bright and early on a Tuesday morning. I am trying so hard to delight in God. I am rolling up my sleeves and making this my job, delight, worship, praise. I know this is what you do in the in-between, in the waiting. As for the desires of my heart, I was again reminded on this morning that none of this was my idea in the first place but now it feels like it is literally breaking my heart. I am broken because of the desires that I fully believe God placed there.

For the last month my right eye has had this fantastic little twitch and two weeks ago I found myself in a completely ridiculous argument that ended with a complete meltdown (think toddler tears and snotty nose) on my part, not at all comparable in magnitude or topic to the disagreement that brought it on. I just want to go back to feeling like me, except not really either because I LOVE THIS KID and I wouldn’t undo that for anything. But I can’t figure any of this out. How it works, when (IF?) he can come home. And anyone who could help, tells us the same thing, there are no adoptions happening between the US and Guatemala. EXCEPT I KNOW GOD IS MOVING AND THERE IS LIGHT IN THIS TUNNEL NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!!! So this is where it gets messy.

Hope. This first Sunday of advent. I identify with the words of Ann VosKamp and Jason Hague,

How do you hope unlikely things because you love someone to death?

We all need to believe that things can change.

Sometimes believing in a miracle feels like living in a mirage. You can feel like a fool, walking around with your pitcher. Really, God? Really?

YES! I have asked God that, a lot lately. REALLY?! And every letter I have sent out seeking answers has been like seeking water in a mirage.

It seemed to me I had two choices: I could either live in perpetual sadness, or I could lower my level of hope.

Living in this land of the unknown, the waiting, the land of unanswered prayer, your heart throbs, maybe with anger, maybe with hurt, but almost certainly with disappointment.

Yes! Everyday, my heart carries with it the burden of helplessness. I feel crazy and that pendulum can swing from righteously crazy to flat out delusional. Crazy. My orderly, logical mind, struggles everyday with seeing the way, seeking an answer, continuously chasing it’s proverbial tail.

But, I know. Faith in things unseen. Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

I know that when Noah built the ark he had never seen rain but he picked up his hammer in obedience. Can these stories be true for me? Today? Am I grasping at Biblical straws?

We are building an ark, actually it’s a bedroom, but if we are going to have faith in things hoped for and live in what we believe to be obedience, then we need to be ready for another child. So, in what some days feels like insanity, hammers are being picked up.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

In the land of unanswered prayer, we follow His lead.

The Lord taught me how to sigh in pain, how to weep in gladness, and how to trust during days of hope deferred.

It was not an easy road to walk. It still isn’t easy, and it isn’t safe.

Rather, it is a confounding country full of myths and mirages. Here, faith resembles denial, settledness looks like surrender, and hope is the scariest creature of all.

We (Mae, J and I) had the gift of sharing a “normal” day together during our last visit. An opportunity to spend the day together in Antigua (his first time,) breakfast at one of our favorite places and shopping in the marketplace. The opportunity (and struggle) for him to pick something out for himself. And lunch at his choice of places, McDonalds, where we ate ice cream first. Life is short…eat dessert first! The gift that these few hours were, not just for him, but for me as well, to watch these two together, knowing what my heart longs for, having a peek into what life could look like, the day was as beautiful as it was heartbreaking. This is a day you relive over and over and over.

In July I began a mantra. Every letter, every visit, I make sure to remind him, as much as myself, what we know to be true. This has become the rudder of our relationship as the months have passed and I believe that he is maybe, hopefully, finally trusting the truth in the words. How many promises has his heart held, only to be broken? These words, our promise to him, have to be lived out continuously though our actions because without that they are empty, they are worth nothing.

We are a family. We don’t look like a normal family but God creates all sorts of families and we belong to each other, all five of us.
I promise I will be back – forever and always. I will always come back.
God has a plan and we can trust it. (This one I must remind myself of, as much as him. It is so hard to see the hurt and not be able to fix it in the way that my heart longs to. As much as I love him, God loves him even more. I know that in my helplessness and disappointment over every passing day I need to lean into God as the sovereign one, trusting He knows best. Comfort at the foot of our Savior. I know this, and it terrifies my heart, because what if…)

Everytime, in both English and Spanish…Somos una familia, volveré, lo prometo, y Dios tiene un plan y podemos confiar en él.

It’s the first Sunday of Advent. Hope candles are lit everywhere.

God is giving you Hope.

Hope — for you.

Christ who comes to give us the gift every one wants more than anything — a future and a hope.

And my prayer must be, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).

Postscript- I stumbled across an old post, apparently I have been here before, just not with the same passionate desire. I could say that the life situation that birthed this post also birthed the one I find myself in today. Be encouraged by these words written in 2015 if you are struggling with hoping in the impossible today. Today, I feel an even closer connection to Sarah. I understand better what the longing and waiting for a child can do to a mother’s heart. Laughing along with Sarah…

Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly, Never Letting Go

Down But Not Out

September 25, 2018 RunAndBeStill 2 Comments

defeated Yesterday, for the first time in recent memory, I didn’t have words. I always have words, and zipping thoughts, on most days too many probably. But yesterday they failed me. We received word from our adoption attorney that the government said No. Hard stop. Just. No. We can’t do anything more. They hold the power, maybe when he’s 18 we can do something, but that is a long way off and presents a whole other set of hurdles. The attorney that I had prayed would be the answer bowed out. And I was left holding this hurt with no plan, no idea what to do next, nothing. My brain shut down. And as the questions came in over the afternoon of “Any news?” I didn’t know what to say and I knew even less how to respond to your kind words of encouragement. I sat and stared for long periods of time at my blinking cursor, not wanting to appear short or unappreciative but just without the words to respond.

On the same day that we received our bank approval to add an addition with another bedroom and bathroom for our growing family, on the same day that a box of adoption books and materials arrived in the mail we were told “No.” Stop. Give up and leave us alone. We are not doing this. We will not even look at this or consider approving this. And so a kid sits, alone, waiting and praying for a family who are waiting and praying for him. What is wrong with this system…

And my heart right now feels perilously close to the same way it did 17 years ago when my prayers for my son weren’t answered and the only thing we have of him are our dreams for what would have been, and a baby laid to rest next to his great-grandfather.

My prayers feel ineffectual. My heart is breaking. And, for what? A child who I can never tell how badly I want him. A child who I will never be able to mother the way my heart longs to. This was not my idea. I didn’t dream this up, I didn’t choose this. But, there is no doubt that God placed this squarely in our path. It was a hard yes to say, it was scary, and while I didn’t expect it to be easy I am having a really hard time seeing where we go from here and understanding why? Why did God pull us into this? And I know the fight isn’t over. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I know this and I know that this isn’t over. This can’t be over. I know that God can do the impossible. I know His promises, but today I am having a really hard time feeling them. Today, this feels so final and I feel so defeated.

Before I could even get this posted a shift began to happen. An “accidental” phone call from my sister early this morning that turned into words that I needed to hear. A reminder that my heart began to embrace. This is how God works and these are your prayers in real time .

Be Still. It’s something I should be intimately familiar with by now (Run and Be Still.) Dear wrestling and wiggling and fidgeting child, be still. Get out of the way, rest, and watch God work. And I look to my past experiences as a reminder of what I know to be true of God today. And I throw myself at His feet, shedding my pity party.

So it is with every attempt to do something significant for God. It is never simple. Whenever God stirs us to establish His Kingdom in a new place, the enemy is sure to taunt us. The devil always tries to convince us that we’ve tackled too much this time and we’ll soon be humiliated.

“The longer the blessing is in coming the richer it will be when it arrives. That which is gained speedily by a single prayer is sometimes only a second-rate blessing; but that which is gained after many a desperate tug and many an awful struggle, is a full-weighted and precious blessing. That which costs us the most prayer will be worth the most.” Charles Spurgeon

My eyes began to be opened to something that is so much bigger than one child. What if the very words that have failed me are meant for bigger things? What if they are meant to advocate for an entire group of children waiting and praying? What if they are meant to bring God’s voice to a group of people frozen by 10 years of corruption and inaction?

What if this really isn’t about me (duh!) and instead about using my heartache, my passion for the kids sitting and waiting to age out of homes, to bring about change. What if I refuse to sit down and be quiet, refuse their no for my child or any of the rest of them? What if…

For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

And so it goes, as it always has, that an old song comes to mind, my prayer…

Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly

Please don’t stop praying…

September 18, 2018 RunAndBeStill 2 Comments

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Just a quick note to say please keep praying. We are still fighting for this young boy. I never, ever, ever want to look back on any of this and wonder could I have done more. Here is the latest…

You have to love a question that begins with “I don’t want to offend you but…” One of my very dearest and bestest friends in the world and I were having a conversation and I had just shared with her our newest-big-news which is – We officially have a Guatemalan attorney who is going to petition the court and make this whole process official. No more dancing around it, we are just going for, it in the biggest way possible. The attorney was described to me as a “big gun who can get things done” and she was more than happy to help us. I was literally a puddle on the floor after my conversation with her. There is so much more to the story, but it’s long, so just know this, God continues to weave this story together in ways that humble and amaze me. He is doing things that only He can do.

Anyway, back to the offending question. It was finished with this “Do you ever wonder what you’re doing?” Ummmm, yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. We have looked at each other and asked that very question many times but we continually come back to what God is doing. None of this makes sense yet it is 100% right. We are trusting Him to direct our steps even when we have no idea where it is leading. Any doubt that I have is negated by what God has already done in putting all of these moving parts together and what He has done, not just my heart, but all of ours.

I want to share two more things with you tonight. First this video, I can’t tell you how many times I have watched this. (He was thanking us for a surprise that we had sent down to him.) You have seen pictures, but this is the smile, this voice, this kid, oh my…As you pray for him, I want you to know him too.

Second, this song. I recently heard it, not for the first time, but with new ears, it stopped me in my tracks. So many layers, my prayer, my wish for my boy who has given up hope for a family. Tell your heart to beat again…

This boy knows I love him. I have told him so many times, but he has no idea how fierce, and protective, and strong that love really is. He doesn’t know what it is to be loved by this mom. One day, hopefully very soon, he will begin to see…Please, please, please don’t stop praying for us. God is on the move.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, you can get the scoop here and here.

family, Love Boldly

This was not my plan – Part 2. (This is where you can write your part of the story)

August 9, 2018 RunAndBeStill 10 Comments

(You can read part 1 here)

Two weeks ago or so I watched an almost 15 year old blow out candles on his cake. It was supposed to be a celebration but instead it carried the weight of finality with it. A last “adoptable” birthday, a marker of time passing, a milestone for sure, but not one for celebration. I sadly didn’t realize this until the candles were lit. And while we smiled and sang, reality washed over my heart, and I came to see how one so young can fail to be strong on days like today.

What did you so seriously and intently wish? Someday I will ask you.

Today I carry in my heart two pictures, the beautiful smile that most of the time so readily appears and the boy whom hope has left behind.

I struggle with whether to even share this much as I want to tuck our story away, protect it as ours, hide it from the harsh judgment of the bright light of day, but in it there is a reality that we all must face. Within it is a call to love that will break our hearts.

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deut 31:6

Last night we received word that we have been granted an audience and an ear in front of key decision makers within two different governments beginning on Monday. As the weekend closes in around us please be praying that hearts thousands of miles away will be aligned with God’s will, that He will go before us and move this mountain, and that He will bring this sweet boy home as our son. I am awestruck by what God has done thus far, to be standing at this place. Adoption has been closed between our countries for 10 years. We stand in a position to possibly make history and it’s humbling to be playing even the tiniest part in this enormous story by just making ourselves available. Please, please will you be part of it too? Can we storm the gates of heaven with prayers over the next four days, prayers that God will do the impossible and officially and legally make us his family? He has already transformed our hearts to recognize it. We need the courts recognize it as well.

“Are you going to be ok if this doesn’t happen?” my husband asked me last night.

“I guess I’ll have to be.”

“That’s not really an answer,” he said.

This was never my idea in the first place so if God has turned my heart from fear of opening our home to the terror of a homecoming never realized I have to trust that He will heal my heart from that prayer left unanswered as well. This is not about me at all any more if in fact it ever was. This is about a boy who is hurting. This is about a boy for whom God must have a mighty plan. I am finding that the weeping hot mess of a woman from February and March has been fortified, is filled with passion, fiercely strong and ready to fight.

Wouldn’t this make a magnificent, holy, 15th birthday present from his Father. The knowledge that he is no longer alone in this world. The Day, this Tuesday, is circled on the calendar. I know He’s able. I know He can. Will you join us in praying that He will? Our son needs brought home.

To be continued…again

“The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.””

Exodus 14:14 NLT

“Rather, cling tightly to the Lord your God as you have done until now.”

Joshua 23:8 NLT

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT

“I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?”

Jeremiah 32:27 NLT

“Then he said to me, “This is what the Lord says to Zerubbabel: It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. Nothing, not even a mighty mountain, will stand in Zerubbabel’s way; it will become a level plain before him!”

Zechariah 4:6 NLT

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

Ephesians 3:20 NLT

““But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT

Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly, This Is Life

This was not my plan

July 17, 2018 RunAndBeStill 5 Comments

Nineteen months ago, I got on a plane with my 14 year old and we headed south to Guatemala…the great unknown, an adventure, following a dream and a calling.

By Wednesday, day 5 of our trip, I was pretty sure we would write this off as a “learning experience.” An amazing time but I was ready to be back home, back to my comfort zone, back to my own language. I wasn’t sure we would be back. And then this happened…

Sponsorship…and this…something so much bigger…

I can only tell you that in the moment that he hugged me something happened. A hole that I didn’t even know was empty was filled. My heart was wrecked and overflowing at the same time by this young man who has never known a family outside of the orphanage. His, a heart-wrenching story that we didn’t know until after the fact. At a point when I was wondering what I was doing there, feeling like I was floundering, to get an answer to prayer, and be an answer to prayer…God is so good! I didn’t go to Guatemala thinking this would happen. I would have not believed that a 13 year old boy would so capture my heart in the span of seconds. I would not have thought that now I would worry for him, worry for his future in a country that is so poverty stricken. (excerpt from An aching heart)

And then we were home and time passed, and normal-ish resumed it’s dominion. We wrote letters, mailed gifts, and sent prayers heavenward. We nurtured and fostered a relationship despite the miles and language barriers. We were also smack in the middle of navigating having a senior and a freshman, our lives full of wonderful teenage fueled chaos. And then, because God has a sense of humor we moved for the 2nd time in 3 years. (The sight of moving boxes now causes PTSD and I am pretending our storage unit full of I don’t even know what doesn’t exist.) Smack in the middle of state playoff football, and just weeks before Christmas I was offered an empty spot to go back…

“I’ll go.” “No, I can’t go.” “Ok, I will go.” “No, it’s just not going to work.” This was the back and forth of my recent decision to go back to Guatemala. I had said no to this trip at least 5 times for very valid reasons and yet the opportunity and question “Will you go?” continued to come back around. And then I got an early Christmas gift from Guatemala with a note that read in part “May God bless you for all you have done in my life. I love you very much.” And suddenly none of those reasons mattered anymore. The only thing that mattered was this boy. (excerpt from On Again, Off Again, On Again)

Wheels downs in Guatemala just one year after my first visit…and my number one priority was sitting at the top of the hill. My reason for returning. I couldn’t wait to see him. When he came to the door, here was this grown boy, looking eye to eye with me. Still shy, but with a smile for me that made his eyes shine and my mama-heart melt. As the week went on, from across the church or the campus, his eyes would seek mine out and a smile and wave were quick to follow.

What can I tell about this place except that it will break you. This sickening feeling of broken-hearted-joyfulness is one that I just want to hold on to, to not forget, to not let fade, even as the cover lays closed on the photo album and days turn to weeks. God is doing a mighty work within the walls of The orphanage and the walls of my heart. I cannot escape being overwhelmed by that. This is the collective experience of two trips and many a servants’ heart, not only mine. Tears. Lots and lots of tears. Not sweet, leaking eye tears but ugly, crying sobs. Broken hurts but broken heals. My heart has been mended back together, stronger and patched with the tapestry of this beautiful country, the smiles of a group of boys and love from this woven together family. It changes you, being broken, and not everyone will understand it. This shy boy, who’s simple words have shattered me has also shown me a love within myself that I don’t understand. A love I didn’t know I was capable of, a love that is bigger than me and hopes in the impossible. A love that I wasn’t looking for but now can’t imagine living without, whatever that ends up looking like. (excerpt from How Was It?)

And then a door opened, an opportunity to do what I love, a chance to advocate for all of the children living within the walls of the orphanage, a new job, a new adventure, and another trip south only 3 mo after my last visit. God had been busy in that short span of time. Working overtime on the hearts in our household, moving mountains, opening doors before we even had a chance to knock, doing the things that He does best, and the things that only He can do. And of course, my heart almost bust, when once again I laid eyes on this smile.

Nineteen months ago adoption could not have been further from our radar. Today, it is a constant request laid before the Lord. We would love nothing more than to make this “official,” to bring this sweet boy home, to be a forever family in one place, to share his dreams, his fears, to struggle together, share the monotony, the hard days, and celebrate on the good ones. Right now this is still an impossibility as adoption remains closed and my heart is grieved beyond measure.

2007.3

I see this sweet little face, just after he arrived at the orphanage, and wonder why he has had to wait all these years only to face red-tape and the declaration of “impossible”and I am frustrated and at the same time amazed at what God has been weaving together for the past 15 years, all that He has done to get us to this point in time, standing at the threshold of the unknown, unimagined, unplanned, that we might play a small part in this God-sized story.

We stand confident that we don’t live under the banner of impossible with God, and that is where we are placing our hope, our faith, and we know that this is not impossible but the clock is ticking ever more loudly these days. I am sharing this today because we need prayer. The only way this will happen is through God’s hand and in His timing and we seem to have hit the wall. Would you join us in prayer?

Orphan care is just as much about pulling a child out of a broken story as it is about you being pulled into one. You will love more passionately, hurt more deeply, grieve more bitterly and celebrate more joyously throughout the process of caring for vulnerable children than you ever thought imaginable. This is the hard reality of where orphan care begins, where it takes you, what it requires of you and how it will break you. We must be willing to walk down this path, for their sake. As we do, our embracing of their brokenness paints a vivid picture of how Jesus embraced ours. ~ Jason Johnson

No matter what, we are family and in two short days, for the first time we will all be together in one place. I am not sure my heart will survive.

To be continued…

Guatemala or Bust, Love Boldly

How was it?

February 6, 2018 RunAndBeStill 2 Comments

I am home. I have been for over a week now. The suitcases are empty. The coffee has all been delivered. The laundry is (almost) caught up. The house is (almost) back in order. The pictures have all been printed, photo-journaled, and the photo album on its new coffee table home, a display and a reminder. And yet here I sit, still trying to figure out what happened 10 days and 1900 miles ago. I was not even going to go on this trip and now, as it was last year, I am afraid that life won’t ever be the same again. Then again, I am even more afraid that it will. Does that even make sense?

“How was it?” A question so easily asked, but the weight of the explanation that it compels me to give is so large. A full emotional explanation would be impossible. The far reaching effects and implications of this week are continuing to unfold and make themselves just barely visible. Whisps of smoke and hope that slip through clenched fingers just when you think you are able to begin to make sense of them.

What can I tell about this place except that it will break you. This sickening feeling of broken-hearted-joyfulness is one that I just want to hold on to, to not forget, to not let fade, even as the cover lays closed on the photo album and days turn to weeks. God is doing a mighty work within the walls of Casa Bernabe and the walls of my heart. I cannot escape being overwhelmed by that. This is the collective experience of two trips and many a servants’ heart, not only mine. Tears. Lots and lots of tears. Not sweet, leaking eye tears but ugly, crying sobs. Broken hurts but broken heals. My heart has been mended back together, stronger and patched with the tapestry of this beautiful country, the smiles of a group of boys and love from this woven together family. It changes you, being broken, and not everyone will understand it.

This shy boy, who’s simple words have shattered me has also shown me a love within myself that I don’t understand. A love I didn’t know I was capable of, a love that is bigger than me and hopes in the impossible. A love that I wasn’t looking for but now can’t imagine living without, whatever that ends up looking like.

The pride of having his sponsorship publicly recognized at our “thank you” night.

This was a hard trip. It was both emotionally and physically draining. My body and my heart would hurt at the end of the day. As a team we accomplished much, crossing many items off of a “to do” list and yet barley scratching the surface. We spent a day hauling metal roofing up the hill towards the clinic, being able to take part in a double blessing as Casa Samuel got a new roof and the old roofing was to be given away to families outside the orphanage who could use it. Painting the art room and offices were a welcome change of project after the roofing. Paintbrushes and rollers aren’t nearly as heavy as sheet metal. The monotony of a wall preferable to the monotony of a hill.

In addition, throughout the week, members of our team took turns traveling two hours away to build a 10 x 10 block structure so that three children from Casa Bernabe could be reunited with their family. These days were tough, filled with manual labor that our bodies and minds were not accustomed to. On my day, concrete day, I hauled countless buckets of sand and gravel down a steep and twisty path and then pulled buckets of water, necessary for the concrete, up from the well until my muscles protested and ached. As I walked the hill throughout the day, I watched young girls wash laundry by hand, young boys carry back breaking loads of wood to sell, old women cook over fires on the ground, and at the end of the day I walked away carrying the weight of their reality. There is so much about this day that my heart continues to struggle though reconciling. And yet, there is the certain knowledge that God’s love was evident in every bucket of sand and water we hauled.

As hard as some days were though the trip was filled with the lightness of laughter, the sheer unbridled joy from the kids that is so contagious. It was hard, but we had fun. Be it through a mouth full of marshmallows while playing chubby-bunny with the kids on the basketball court, pitting team against team during an afternoon of paintball with a group of teenage boys, sharing a meal of a Big Mac and fries, coloring a picture, kicking a soccer ball, or celebrating the week with an ice cream party and some whip cream antics, we had fun! New relationships were built and others were grown. The language barrier disappears in these situations – laughter is universal! Love trumps all!

It’s universal, of course the whip cream is supposed to go right into your mouth!

The highlight of my week though was not some big, sparkly, grand gesture moment. My highlight was being, not just invited, but welcomed, into a home close to my heart, given space on the couch to sit shoulder to shoulder, surrounded by family, to do something as simple as watch a movie. As I sat there, the awkward, visiting American, who has a tendency to just smile and nod dumbly was gone. God worked this beautiful moment (with a little help from English movie subtitles) that touched the deepest part of my heart where we were sharing life, normal, everyday, life and I didn’t want it to end. This moment wasn’t planned or staged or organized and for that I am so grateful. Come in friend and share life.

The boys with their new towels. Thank you Love Runners community!

Thanks to the Love Runners community for their generous giving that made this television (and so many more donations this week) a possibility!

I wasn’t going on this trip. The timing, financing, and lack of preparation were all wrong. Saying no to this last minute opportunity to fill a vacant spot, just 3 weeks after the holidays, in the midst of moving our family of 4 and living in the mess of major home renovations, was certainly understandable. But I went and now I am home and I know that these few paragraphs and strung together words can’t do justice to what God is (and has been) doing. The picture is so big.

More than anything, here is what I want to convey to you from this trip. I don’t want to be Jonah. Traveling in the belly of a whale, while more spacious than economy class, is not preferable to being available and obedient to God. “No” is many times the easy answer. “No” may even be the answer that makes the most sense in our orderly lives, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right answer. Two questions that He has asked me in my past have been resurrected and keep cycling through my head. First, “If not you, then who?” and “Do you trust me?” Seriously God? This wasn’t new information, just a much-needed reminder.

Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I gave more of myself during this trip than I would have imagined possible, but you just do it. You keep moving, hauling one more piece of roofing up the hill or one more bucket of sand down, you keep saying “Yes” to what God asks you to do. You give until it hurts, love until you think your heart will break, and God makes it possible to just keep going, giving, moving, serving and loving. In the exhaustion, physical and emotional, you begin to see more of Him and less of you.

God needs you. It’s ok to be wary, be cautious, be scared. Just make yourself available.

Cease Striving…Be still…Know God (Ps 46:10) Sounds peaceful, right? Peace-filled is more accurate. "Still" has little to do with activity and everything to do with state of mind. Welcome to my crazy life!