Written by a woman I admire for so many reasons, Kim Payne. I read this yesterday on her blog Growing Paynes and asked if I could share it here because I think we all feel like this…sometimes.
Sometimes I feel so… Me.
Like there are times when I can’t just sail by on who my husband is in love with… Or who my friends make me into… Or the mother of my four wonderful minions… Or the prayer warrior… Or the concerned sister… Or the beloved daughter…
Sometimes I’m just me.
And sometimes I stink.
And I feel like singing at the top of my lungs… But I just can’t seem to find the right song. It’s like being stuck inside a classroom wasting time watching a beautiful day slip by… I can’t determine if I’m overly lonely or building up a wall of defenses as quickly as possible…
The Word is alive, and sweet, and inspiring… The sun is shining… Friends are available… Prayers are being answered… Yet I feel like we broke up and are trying to figure out if we can still be friends or if you just know too much about me.
There are sometimes just too many layers of this ugly pride… And having them stripped away stinks. Literally. Another reason to not let anyone close… Another childhood mocking coming true… Another screaming voice challenging the Truth I committed to sow deep in these recesses…
But You always show up.
Even when it’s incredibly vital that You do. Even though it wasn’t when I thought I needed it the very most. Even though You were always present. You show up.
You speak when my prayers cease being lists I say with my eyes closed. You answer when I actually ask You the questions. Your Word is alive, active, sharp, useful… True. And you speak through it and to my heart.
You give me dreams. You bring me healing… Even when I don’t realize how sick I am. You never stop calling me “precious”, “loved”, “desired”, “Yours”… Regardless of how often I doubt it… How incredible your Faithfulness which does not waiver at my faithlessness.
It’s in the wake of feeling so “me” that I grow in amazement of how impactfully “You” You always are…
“But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you…” (Isaiah 43:1-5)