Encouragement

Process and Collaboration

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hospitalPlease have your driver’s license and insurance card ready…

I can’t believe I have been doing this for three years already.  The Main Campus of the Cleveland Clinic, the Cardiac MRI area. As I stand in line at the registration desk I can’t help but notice the faces of those in the waiting area.  The body language that speaks volumes. The worry, the fear and uncertainty, the fidgeting nervousness, the eye avoidance.  It takes me back…

Apr 20, 2012

My first official post-diagnosis Cardiac MRI. So much has happened to get to this point.  So many tests and re-tests and doctors.   The highlight of my day happened in the car on the way to the clinic. God speaks to us in such amazing ways and this morning he scored a direct hit. I had opened my bible app to re-read the story in Matthew 9:20-22 where a woman reaches out and touches Jesus robe in belief that she will be healed, and because of her faith and Jesus’ amazing love she was. But before I could even get there I read the verse of the day…

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10 (NIV)

There are no words to describe how amazing it is when God speaks to you, through the word, through the Holy Spirit, through others. It is awe-inspiring, and overwhelming, and comforting. I read that verse and to the very core of my soul knew that IT WOULD BE OKAY AND I WILL BE OK. No matter what this test said, or the next test, or the one after that, I have a promise, that I will be restored. The NLT version says, he will support, and strengthen you, and place you on a firm foundation and He already has…

“Mrs. Cunningham, you can come back now.  What is your birth date? You aren’t claustrophobic are you? You can change in here and then sit over there.”

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, “Amen” and it’s still raining*

This song…man it gets me.  I was sure.  Three years ago, I was sure that when they did that MRI they were not going to find any evidence of disease and illness.  My body was going to have been miraculously healed. The doctors would be befuddled and God would be glorified.  I prayed boldly and believed.  My God is a God of miracles and I was confident because I knew He could. It would have been beautiful…

And yet I am here…again…sitting in the appropriated chair…looking at the same picture on the wall from my last 6 visits, that both intrigues me and disturbs me at the same time and I am not sure why but I can’t stop studying it. I never can.  Process and Collaboration it’s called.
“Ready? You can come this way now.  We’ll get your IV started.  What is your birth date?”

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

“And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” Matthew 21:22

“This is the confidence which we have before Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” 1 John 5:14

“Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.” Jeremiah 29:12

“In that day you will not question Me about anything.  Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you.  Until now you have asked for nothing so that your joy may be made full.” John 16:23-24

“The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.” Psalm 34:17

“The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them.” Psalm 145: 18-19

How many times I have read these…I don’t even know.  Many, many times.

“Did you have to travel far to get here today? No? Ok, Mrs. Cunningham, big pinch.  There we go…now if you’ll come with me you can have a seat right over there and they will be right out for you.”

And so I sit and I wait.  And the guy next to me is feeling light-headed and nauseous and they bring him a bucket, just in case.  And they bring his wife back to sit with him.  And I am praying “Please Lord do not let this man throw up.  I do not think I could deal with that right now.”  And is wife is trying to make small talk with me about her granddaughter wanting to buy $800 OneDirection concert tickets and isn’t that frivolous…

“Mrs. Cunningham, you can come with me.”  (And we stand before a locked door.)  “What is your birth date?  You remember how this goes right?”  (And so it begins…)

“Take a deep breath.  Hold it…”

Please hear me right now if this is where you are…holding your breath and waiting on God.  If this is where you are let me say, I love you, because I know exactly that chair that you are sitting in. If you are waiting in certainty that you will be “healed” and it hasn’t happened, again, I  love you, but hear me when I say, it may not happen here. But that doesn’t mean that God didn’t hear or didn’t answer.  He always hears and He always answers just not always in the way that we want Him to.  It doesn’t mean that He has forgotten or abandon us.  He loves us!  Hear that ok? He loves us so much.  But that doesn’t mean that life will always be rainbows and gumdrops.  Every single one of us is terminal from the moment we are born.  We have taken those verses from above and latched onto them, and made them mean that we will get what we want always and on our time schedule.  We have come to expect that what we’ve prayed for will be delivered via overnight shipping because we want it, because we need it so badly.  And then when it doesn’t happen it becomes easy to question God.

When we face trouble or strife, when life isn’t going the way we think it should, we have bought into this belief that we will be rescued, and rescued quickly.  For some people that may be true.  God is still a God of miracles.  I have seen Him work with my own eyes, in my own family, so don’t stop believing and don’t stop praying bold prayers.  But it isn’t a blanket guarantee.  This isn’t a popular message but hear me gently when I say it’s truth.  And it’s a truth that’s filled with human disappointment and hurt.  And questions like, God, if you can, then why won’t you? I believed and I prayed and I am still being directed through a maze of hallways to sit in different chairs to be poked and prodded and injected. And you promised…

“And breathe.”

He did promise.

His name will be ‘Emmanuel,’ said the angel, which means ‘God with us.’ That God with us promise, that heaven-on-earth assurance, came true in Jesus.  ‘I am with you always, to the end of the age.’  That is the promise to stake your life on.

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, “I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls I’ll raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away*

And it’s hard.  It’s so very hard some days but don’t quit because…

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. I Peter 5:10

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. Romans 8:18

Know that this promise is truth.  God is with you in this and He will restore you one day.  It may not be here…and I am sorry for that.  So very sorry because that is terrifying.  But if you have experienced the Love of God, and accepted the Gift of Salvation, you have the Hope of Eternity. And if you haven’t, please don’t let another day go by without asking someone about that Hope of Restoration. You do not have to live in fear of disease or illness or death for another second.

“You are all finished Mrs. Cunningham.  See you next time.”  Because you are still sick…

And I’ll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm*

*Casting Crowns – Praise You In This Storm

Encouragement

Would you like that Super-Sized?

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It was dark when we finally got home last night and it was still dark when I again walked back in the door this morning.  The sun just hinting at it’s coming glory as it began to lighten the eastern horizon.  I wonder if it’s as tired as I am, and I know that’s ridiculous, and yet I still wonder…

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Sunrise. Sunset. And a question…What did you do in My Name today?

Well God, I had some great ideas, I made some really Big Plans. We could change the world you know.  But that’s a lot of pressure, changing the world and the Big Things.  I have to get this right.  Maybe tomorrow I will know what to do.

Sunrise. Sunset.  And a question…What did you do in My Name today?

Um, today just flew by, what with the time spent in the “in between” and the kids and the cooking of the dinner…and well, I sang some songs to you.  We had a great jam session in the car and I thought  some more about those Big Plans.

Sunrise.  Sunset. And a question…What did you do in My Name today?

I made some mental notes today.  I think I could write about this…maybe that will be launching point of our Something Big. I am going to do Something Big Lord, I promise.  I just have to figure it out.  I know I was made for Big Things.

Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat.  And the cycle continues and nothing changes and I long for Big Things and I make Big Plans and I chase lightning in a bottle and I get tired of trying so hard to make something happen.  I get tired of peering around corners, knowing and expecting, that Something Big is just around the bend.

Aren’t we supposed to want Big things?  Aren’t we supposed to leave a Big Mark?

And then this question straight from the car speakers…Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?

I don’t know…I honestly don’t know…

I am a person of action words.  I don’t sit still.  I desire to be “doing” and I feel like Small isn’t Big Enough. But I am wrong, and I know this, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I am trying to see Small for how Big it really can be.  And when my heart tells my brain, “it’s not enough,” I remember these words from Ann Voskamp that I have read so many times in recent days.

You don’t have to worry: We all get to make one unforgettable mark. And every day, with every word, we get to decide: Do we mar the world, or mark the world?

Why in the world disdain the small? It’s always the smallest strokes that add up to the greatest masterpieces.

Because the thing really is: Do we ever really know which mark we make — that will matter the most? The extraordinary things happen nowhere else but in the everyday and today can always be the beginning.

I know you’re brave … and you’re scared. Because you keep doing big things that seems so small and you wonder where all this is really going and you only get one life here —

And though you’re weary, you do hard things and you keep getting out of bed, and this is always the hardest part — you keep believing that Christ didn’t leave this world until He showed us His scars — and He won’t ever let you leave this world until you leave your most beautiful mark. To show Him.

We will probably have to be scarred.  In leaving our mark it will probably be messy and it probably will hurt, but maybe this is how we do our Biggest Thing.  Maybe our scars, bravely worn, show a hurting world His Glory and Comfort.  Maybe our stumbles and struggles handled honestly, and redeemed mercifully, show Love and Hope.

So Just For Today — listen: you’ve got to keep going.

His Kingdom is Upside Down and in Him your part is large and lovely and needed and art.

So go get the milk and take out the trash and throw in the laundry and wave giddy to the neighbors because there is a plan and there is a purpose and there is a God in heaven who didn’t just ink you onto the palm of His hands but etched your name right into Himself with nails and He’s hasn’t just got your number, He’s got your heart.

So really — you’ve got to believe it…really, it’s all working out okay.

Because God’s writing your story and He never leaves you alone in your story, and His perfect love absorbs all your fear and His perfect grace carries all your burdens, and your story is a happily ever after because Christ bought your happily ever after so you always know how this story ends.

Maybe my Biggest Thing, isn’t a thing but instead living presently in the daily grind of life. A life filled with scars and struggles but also Love and Joy and I have been missing out as I have searched for it elsewhere.  I am understanding that my Big Thing doesn’t look like I thought it would and that’s how I have missed it for so long.

But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus–the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. (Acts 20:24)

…in Him your part is large and lovely and needed.  It is the true meaning that I had confused for so long in Ephesians 3:20.  “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work withing us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”  We have no idea what Big looks like from the other side…

Sunrise.  Sunset. And a question…What did you do in My Name today?

Encouragement

“My kids are doing a really good job of raising themselves.”

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Yes.  You read that correctly and yes, those words did actually come out of my mouth.  The scary thing is that I really meant them.  I said this after our son decided (all on his own) in 8th grade that he wasn’t dating anyone until Sophomore year. A self-imposed dating ban that I have grabbed a hold of and remind him of from time to time.  But he had decided that he didn’t want the pressures of dating and that there was plenty of time for that down the road. Huh?!  Now you are beginning to have an understanding of why I said what I said.

Never, have I ever felt so wholly unequipped to do a job.  My husband and I have had this conversation many times.  I look at these two growing, maturing people that God has blessed me with and I am in awe and totally in over my head. I believe that this is part of God’s plan. We need God’s help and guidance in this if we are going to get it right.  And we don’t always get it right but we have learned to own up to our mistakes, apologize and ask forgiveness, especially as parents.  Humbling ourselves before God and our kids.  You don’t have to be perfect in our house, just forgiving.

I have learned (and re-learned in some cases) so much for and from my kids. Algebra, sentence diagramming, and then there is this…”Hey mom, what do a deaf person’s thoughts sound like?  Our thoughts are framed in our minds as spoken words but if you have never heard words how could you form a thought?” Wait, what? You cannot ask me this question at 9:30 at night when my brain is mush and expect me to wrap my mind around it let alone have an answer.  And then, “Well, what about colors?  I see the trees in what I call green, but what if my green looks like your purple?  We would never know because it’s what I have always called green and you have always called purple.”  Heaven help me…I’ve got nothing.  We’re just going to have to Google it.  When I do this…when I listen, look up, teach, I am giving them my time, my attention.  Even if I don’t have the answers I am giving them something of me. 

kidsHere is where this gets bigger, they don’t realize this but they are constantly pushing me to be a better version of myself. I think of Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” They are causing me to dig deeper, to be on my face in front of God begging Him to make me the mother they need and constantly laying them down before Him.  Let me tell you, as a parent, for me, this is where it begins and ends, at the foot of the throne.  Without God, all of my talking, preaching, begging, and cajoling will amount to nothing.

…we need to intercede for our children.  Pray that they will make the right friends and the right choices.  Pray that their conscience will keep them on the straight and narrow.  Pray that they won’t just survive; pray that they will thrive.  If your kids have a difficult time discerning or doing the will of God, you may even have to agonize in prayer for them like Jesus did in Gethsemane.  This kind of prayer is part of parenting.  You’ve got to pay the price – and the price is blood, sweat, and tears. (Praying Circles around Your Children, Mark Batterson, emphasis mine)(This, by the way, is a great short read)

I admit that I don’t feel like I know what I am doing.  I feel like I am making this up as I am going so please don’t mistake this for an attempt at parenting advice.  I have always, always sworn that is one topic I would avoid other than to say, get on your knees.  That’s all I’ve got.  With God as our guide I can assure you we will stumble and bumble our way to adulthood.  I don’t know what struggles or obstacles lie ahead of us only that they do.  Those uncertain, scary days may be where you find yourself on this journey, and I again go to the words of Mark Batterson for a reminder of encouragement.

Even when things look hopeless and you feel helpless, you need to keep circling the promises of God.  I’m not saying that God will override the free will of our children, but He can do a miracle in their hearts…Is there a lot of healing that must still take place?  Absolutely.  You don’t solve ten years of problems in ten minutes or ten days.  I’m not saying that God cannot bring immediate healing or instantaneous deliverance, but we often have to get out of problems the way we got into them – one step at a time.  Prayer is the first step.  And that one small step can turn into a giant leap.

A child should never be tormented by things as nebulous as their own thoughts.  That is where our daughter found herself this past summer and her torment absolutely shredded my heart.  She faced down her own personal demons through massive amounts of prayer and support and hand-holding (both hers and ours.)  She wrote these words to me which are an encouragement that it’s the little things that are making a difference.  We don’t have to be superhero parents…offer an ear, a hug, let them know they are loved and that they are being prayed for.  My kids are they way they are by the grace of God, despite my inadequacies.

Mom, you have all the qualities that make a great mother and your hard works makes you an even greater mom.  You have the warmest hug ever.  I will always need you and you will always be there for me.  You pray for me to live a good Christian life and you show me how to live a good Christian life.  When I see you smile, I always feel better.  You have loved me, and will continue to love me for years to come.  You have always given me kisses no matter what.  You are such a beautiful woman and I want to grow up to be just like you…

Blood, sweat, and many, many tears.  God is doing an amazing work. My kids are doing a really good job of raising themselves.  And, me? Well, I am just thankful to have a front row seat in all of it. (My husband says he is thankful to have not been thrown out of the theater for throwing popcorn at the screen.)

Run and Be Still

So, What Have You Been Up To?

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I know it’s been a long time…too long. Let me bring you up to speed on what I have been mixed up in. Oh September, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1.) Birthdays – 7 of them that we celebrated to be precise. Including a slumber party for my now 12 year old daughter and 5 of her nearest and dearest where the conversation swung from ISIS, to music, to “Did you see what she did/wore/fill in the blank” and back again in the blink of an eye around the breakfast table. (Breakfast is one of my favorite times for conversation with my kids and their friends. Maybe it’s because they aren’t quite awake yet or aren’t in a hurry to go off and do “things” but I have found that if I feed them good food they will hang around and keep eating and keep talking and you can learn a lot! And they never fail to make me laugh!)

sports2.) Sporting events – which means practices, and feeding the team, and ticket taking, and ticket selling, and lots of cheering, and even more prayers blasted heavenward for protection. (Thankfully our only ER trip has been on a Sunday afternoon for an infected cut that looked pretty nasty and had gone from 0 to oozing and disgusting in the span of 36 hours.) Then there is a little job I got my husband and myself into this year called Visiting Locker Room Ambassadors. Trust me, not as fancy as the title sounds. In all of this I am considering buying an RV and living in the parking lot at the football field. It would make life much simpler.

3.) Travel – I spent the end of August and beginning of September getting ready for my trip to New York where I made some wonderful new friends and had the opportunity for some real “life” conversations. This was a mid-week trip which meant all the members of my household realized how much “behind-the scenes” work goes on that they were unaware of and yet even out-of-state I was the go-to middle man coordinating rides and pick-up times, and last minute changes of plans.

4.) Homework, Homecoming, and House Renovation – Back to school…back to homework. All I will say is that sometimes a new teacher’s expectations of their students aren’t quite realistic. We are struggling through the work load and learning great life lessons while we do it (says the mom confidently out loud even when she don’t always agree with it in her head.) Then there was the first homecoming and the flowers and new dress clothes (to coordinate with a specific dress color) and the honor of being the freshman attendant and the stress of which group to go with and the parties…which brings me to the house renovations.

I snapped this when the furniture guys went out to "get some tools." I am not sure what tools they thought they had that would have made this fit.
I snapped this when the furniture guys went out to “get some tools.” I am not sure what tools they thought they had that would have made this fit.

“Have a homecoming party” mom says. “We’ll reno the back room in the basement” mom says. “It’ll be great” mom says. So I watch a few hours of HGTV and suddenly I am an expert and have my husband and son removing load-bearing walls and installing header beams and we were all pulling crazy hours in the underworld of our home. (There were only a few tense moments and sleepless nights when my husband was convinced our house was caving in…the things he does for love!)  The furniture delivery guys just got the couch “slightly” stuck in the doorway and had to develop a Plan B (Pivot! Pivot! for my fellow Friends fans) but the basement was finished (enough) in time and my house was full (and loud) and we loved it! (And I think the kids did too.)

The month of September was packed full of craziness, and great experiences, and as always lots of fun. But because of that I have all of these thoughts filling my head, bouncing around off of each other and I can only hope that as they begin to pour out I can make them make some logical sense. (I kind of feel like my head is a balloon that is filled too full and about to burst.)

Here is a taste of some of what is going on up there and headed to you in the coming days…

I am loving getting older (yes, crazy) but I am finally confident in me for the sake of me and not anyone else. CS Lewis said, “The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because He made us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be…It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” Love that!

In New York I talked a lot about moments and I want to share some of that with you too. When you think about your life what are you really thinking about? What defines our lives? It’s the moments…the snapshots of memories that are framed like pictures in our minds. These are the building block of our triumphs and our tragedies. Some of my most treasured moments have occurred in the everyday. Moments also frame the pain that leave us breathless and forever changed. I have learned that God’s most gracious gifts are delivered to us exactly in these moments. Steve Maraboli said, “Sometimes it’s the same moments that take your breath away that breathe purpose and love back into your life.” YES! Who isn’t searching for purpose and love?!

And then, I am a fan of the big gesture. I have shared that before. Go big or go home. I have big dreams, big plans. God has been teaching me a lot about the small lately though and I am beginning to understand on a deeper level Ephesians 3:20 “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” “Infinitely more” to me means huge, big things happening here in the infinitely more place, but I am learning that God is a fan of the small. The small is what, through His mighty power, turns into something big, and chances are we don’t even have a clue.  The words of Secretary-General of the United Nations, Dag Hammarskjold come to mind. “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for…the masses.” Christ left the ninety-nine for the one. So I will challenge you as I find myself challenged to embrace the small.

So much to say…so little time to say it!

Run and Be Still

Rolling Out The Welcome Mat For You

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Welcome to my new “virtual” home! Come in…make yourself comfortable and take a look around. We are still working out some of the finer points but I couldn’t wait to share the new fresh look with you!

My favorite new feature is the slider bar on the home page. I can share favorite posts from the past, group series posts in one spot…lots of new possibilities and my head is bursting with thoughts that I want to share. Now that this project is (mostly) finished I can begin to shift gears mentally and sort through some of the things running through my head…

In the meantime, may you stand on grace, walk in faith, live in love and may grace and peace be yours in abundance.

Welcome…

Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday – More than a cliche (troubled waters, part c)

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I was reminded of this post today (originally written 8/13/13) when I was searching for some words of wisdom for someone very near and dear to my heart. If fact, I started out by saying, I don’t want to sound cliche but…thought it was a good reminder for all of us.
When I started on the first Troubled Waters post on Saturday I had no idea it was going to lead to two additional posts. It wasn’t until the first one was finished and I re-read it that I thought, yes, God comes to us in our troubled times, all we have to do is cry out to him but that isn’t quite the whole story. Peter’s prayer, “Lord, save me!” was prayed as Peter was seeking Jesus in the midst of the storm. Peter took the first step, Peter was following Jesus’ command, Peter got out of the boat! Which led to Part B yesterday. I woke up this morning and was going to just post a “Still Moment” but found my spirit troubled by some of the lofty words of yesterday’s post. We have all heard the saying “If you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat.” Oh, ok thanks. That clears it all up. What does that even mean? Christians can be great at going around and spouting off clichés. Be anxious for nothing, pray for everything. (Biblical yes, but is it backed up by any “meat” in their own life or is it just off the cuff advice to combat your deep-seeded anxiety? Take two of these and call me in the morning type advice. And oh, by the way did they offer to come alongside and pray with you over it?) So as I re-ready yesterday’s post, I felt it a little cliché to say, “So I will go, out into the crashing waves, out into the deep to meet Jesus. If that means trying and failing, at least I have failed while trying.” Very well put but what the heck does it even mean? I am calling myself on this one because I hunger for more, for the nuts and bolts of faith.

I don’t have this all figured out and I will never claim to. God’s ways are higher than our ways. We try to understand Him in the only capacity we know how, which in turn puts Him into a human-size box and He is so much more. Infinitely more.

Here is what I should have said…

Father, I love you. I want to seek you and I want to obey your commands. I know that I don’t always do a good job. Sometimes I see something shiny and I get distracted for awhile, but You, in your mercy and grace, always bring me back around to what You have planned for me. You bring me back into your will. Please forgive me for the times when I have failed, when I have been distracted, when I have chosen my own path. Lord, you see my heart and my secret thoughts, and you know that sometimes the things that you ask of me are daunting. They are big, and they are primed for failure and disappointment and I am driven out of my comfort zone. Please remind me on those days that was what you were trying to teach Peter. That is what walking on water really is. It is conquering whatever is impossible, whatever is terrifying, through You. It is where you are waiting to display your power through me, and where you are waiting to show your love to me. Please help me to become more like you. I want so much more than to live in clichés. Lord, save me!

Today, I challenge you to do the same. Get back to the nuts and bolts. Strip your faith back down to the basics where it is just you and Jesus, alone on the water. What would you say to Him? And more importantly, listen for what He is saying to you. Where is He leading you? What “water” is He asking you to brave? I know sometimes its hard to hear Him through everything else clamoring around you. It’s why I started running. It’s why I started writing. Please, just be still…

Still Moments

Still Moments – Anchored in The Rock

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Life has a way of testing our anchors and tempting us to drift. Nevertheless, if our anchors are correctly placed in the rock of our Redeemer, they will hold no matter the force of the wind, the strength of the tide, or the height of the waves. ~Dieter F Uchtdorf

My God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence. (‭2 Samuel‬ ‭22‬:‭3‬ NLT)

This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. (‭Hebrews‬ ‭6‬:‭19‬ NLT)

Uncategorized

These are a few of my favorite things…

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“Where you send me, God I will go. You’re the answer I want the world to know. ”

So excited to be heading to upstate New York this week to share in an intimate gathering of women.
I am looking forward to sharing some of life moments with them and starting a new project that I can’t wait to share with you once I get back.

“Sometimes it’s the same moments that take your breath away that breathe purpose and love back into your life.” Steve Maraboli

I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love. I want them to have complete confidence that they understand God’s mysterious plan, which is Christ himself. (Colossians 2:2 NLT)

Encouragement

Near Misses

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thankful protection

Have you ever really stopped to think about all of the near misses that we are protected from? Pulling out of a parking spot and narrowly missing a car that you did not see. Running late and pulling up on the scene of an accident that’s just happened. Both of these are things that we are aware of missing. But have you ever thought about the things that you don’t know you’ve avoided? We don’t typically give a whole lot of thought space to the “things that could’ve happened but didn’t. “

Just recently some pieces from my past fit together and made me realize how lucky both my son and I are to be alive.

In the two years since my Takayasu’s arteritus (TA) diagnosis I have had countless doctors appointments and each time I learn a little bit more about the disease, treatment, side effects, etc. In a recent appointment I learned that one of the trickier elements to manage in a patient with TA is blood pressure during pregnancy. A lightbulb went off.

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My beautiful, scrawny baby boy. He’s come a long way. At 14 he is closing in on 6’2″ with lots of room left to grow.

Almost fifteen years ago when our son was born, the doctor that delivered him (not my regular doctor) said “Yep, he looks like a high blood pressure baby.” I had no idea what she was talking about other than she had just called my beautiful first child scrawny and gangly. (He was but that was beside the point. There was nothing plump or chubby on this 6lb 3oz baby.) Plus the fact that (to my knowledge) I had never had high blood pressure.

Here’s why the doctor said it…my chart indicated possible preeclampsia, a potentially fatal pregnancy condition. They had thrown that word around at one point but I had never been treated for it because while I had all of the other symptoms including vision loss (then attributed to migraines) and excessive weight gain and swelling (I was put on a low sodium diet) I never had the key indicator, high blood pressure. That was until the day I delivered my son, two weeks early. High blood pressure was the reason they induced delivery and also the reason, just hours after he was born they wanted to take him from me and place me on a magnesium sulfate drip.

I could never figure out why he would have been a “high blood pressure baby” though until this recent conversation. My normal left arm reading is 60-70/40. (Yes, I should be dead according to those numbers.) So a “normal” blood pressure reading for me, because of the TA, is at least 50 points high. So take what is considered normal, add 50 points to it, (170+ possibly at times) and that’s what my blood pressure was as I carried out my pregnancy complete with vision loss and edema which first showed up very early on. I was a essentially a ticking time bomb and we were blissfully unaware.

How long have I had TA? No one can say for sure but I would be willing to bet it has been at least 15 years. In that time, God protected me, and during that pregnancy, He protected my son, without us having any idea what we were up against. Until now…

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won’t forget,
All the plans He’s made for me
I have to wait and see,
He’s not finished with me yet.
-Wait and See, Brandon Heath

 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ NLT)

There will be days in our lives where we will have to see this promised good veiled through death and disease, and hurt and struggle. It is in these days where my faith has had the opportunity to grow. There will also be days where we don’t necessarily see the good because it is veiled in the ordinary. But it is there all the same. Stack a couple bad days up and you will realize what a true gift the ordinary is.

Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise. God has a plan and a purpose for your life. Sometimes, we are blessed with a peek into how wide and vast his mercy and protection are in carrying out this promise. But many times we have absolutely no idea what we have nearly missed. I can’t think of a better reason to thank God this afternoon.

Today if you’re struggling, if you’re looking for something to be grateful for, here it is. You are still here. God has brought you to this point and it may not have been an easy journey. You may find yourself beat up and bruised but He has a plan. It may seem that His protection has failed. I have been there. My second pregnancy ended in tragedy at 34 weeks and we buried our second son. The question in those moments becomes will you let Him use you, use your struggle for good? Will you let Him use your hurt for someone else’s comfort?

I am here for a purpose, His purpose….He’s not finished with me yet.

Cease Striving…Be still…Know God (Ps 46:10) Sounds peaceful, right? Peace-filled is more accurate. "Still" has little to do with activity and everything to do with state of mind. Welcome to my crazy life!