Last week I had my 5th cardiac MRI since my diagnosis of Takayasu’s arteritus in January of 2012. In the days since I have often found myself much like the woman in the photo, on my knees on the side of my bed crying out to God. The Lord continues to keep my disease in remission but I know that all of that can change. With one blood test, one MRI, one beat of my heart, I will be facing an entirely new chapter in this story. For today, I praise God for answering the cries of my heart and wanted to share with you a journal entry that I wrote on April 15, 2012 as I faced my first MRI after being diagnosed. It was a good reminder to me as I have settled into living under the banner if this disease that I need to continue to cling to my dependence and not grow complacent in remission…
Today marks the beginning of the week I have been waiting for, praying for. I have been excited for this week and dreading it. I have been afraid to hope for a miracle but confident that my God is capable. So today, more than in days prior, as Friday gets ever closer, I find myself at God’s throne pleading for intervention, for rescue…for a miracle. I have been through the medical regimen, done everything the doctors have said to do, and now have come full circle back to where I began this journey, on my knees desperately crying out to God. With full confidence that while sometimes all I can do is cry out, God is intimately aware of what is in my heart. The closer Friday gets, the more imminent the answers I have been searching for, the more my prayers become nothing more than this frightened, desperate cry because, in all honesty, I am afraid of being let down.
Through all of this I have learned some very important lessons, particularly in regard to prayer. First of all, that is exactly what prayer is supposed to be…first. Through prayer God is able to encourage us, to lift us up. When was the last time that you found yourself more discouraged after spending time with God in prayer? It doesn’t happen. I have also learned that if your prayers aren’t impossible to you, they are insulting to God. Through answering our prayers God is able to show his power, his omnipotence, his divine intervention. When He answers, there will be no other reasonable or possible explanation to what we are experiencing. There is nothing God loves more than keeping promises, answering prayers, and performing miracles. It is who He is and what he does. I know He can, and I pray He will. I also know that He knows better than I what the path for my life needs to be and He won’t give me more than I can handle without His help. I have many times over the last weeks found myself overwhelmed and I know now that is exactly where God wants me. I read that raw dependence on God gives birth to the raw material out of which God performs His greatest miracles. Trouble, is one of God’s greatest tools because it reminds us how much we continually need the Lord. Otherwise, we tend to forget about entreating him. For some reason we want to carry on by ourselves. I have promised myself to never forget again, no matter what the outcome on Friday.
I haven’t stopped praying for my “medical” miracle but I continue to rest in the knowledge that my life is in the hands of my loving Father. No matter what the next test shows, He will not leave me or forsake me, and I will try my hardest to live this story for His glory.
If you find yourself crying out today, Jesus hears you and He understands your hurts. Let Him provide the healing comfort you need.
So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. (Hebrews 4:16 NLT)