So here’s the thing…we received amazing, God-praising news two days ago and almost immediately my excitement was eaten up by anxiety. I feel like I am living breaths away from a panic attack. I always tell my kids, it’s ok not to be ok. It’s just that I don’t feel like I think I should feel. This isn’t how I thought I would feel after receiving news of the impossible. I am terrified.
I am finding that hope is a lot easier for me to swallow when whatever you are hoping for still seems impossible. It doesn’t hurt…it isn’t scary. It’s like making a wish.
Yesterday I couldn’t tear my eyes and then thoughts away from some of the comments on my last post (Let’s talk about the elephant in the room) as it was shared within another group. They reminded me of every single reason this hasn’t worked in the past, every reason it won’t work now, every reason not to believe in it, every single thing that needs to be done before it becomes even remotely possible. Last night I removed myself from the thread and un-followed some people for my own sanity. But this morning the effects still linger. My need to pick this up is like an itch I can’t scratch.
I got a little bit of tough love from my husband last night as I was bemoaning all of the things I had learned yesterday (I spent the day calling adoption agencies and trolling the internet – BAD IDEA)
He was like, “Wait. Remind me again what you have done to get us to this place.”
“ummm, nothing. I know but…”
“No. You just wrote a blog about how this is God’s work. That nothing you have done up to this point has made any difference. Did you really think that all of a sudden this was up to you?”
“Well, no but I didn’t know if this was like a tag your it kind of thing.” (I was going for some levity because he had totally nailed me.)
“There is going to be no mistake about who makes this happen. It’s not going to be you.”
UGH! I know he is right but that doesn’t make the panic go away right now. As I was trying to get my head cleared this morning I realized this is what Peter must have felt like when he saw the wind and the waves. To go from walking on the water to drowning in it. It’s just that the waves and the wind are so big right now and this is where I am at. I wish that I weren’t. Faith in things unseen is so hard when your heart is on the line. When you have laid the life of your child before God and then have to take a step back, pull your hands away, and recognize there is not a thing you can do in your power to save them from an uncertain future. I keep trying to swallow the anxiety, push it back down, stay one step head to keep the tears at bay. And in all honesty, as I sit in this, and peel away the layers to the root of my anxiety, my prayers for my children haven’t always been answered, at least not the God-save-them-God-bring-them-home kind. One of them sits with Him today. Old wounds still sting.
But as I went to the foot of the cross and opened my Bible to commiserate with Peter, it was Jesus’ words that stung the most.
But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord” Peter shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” Matthew 14:30-31
So here is what this journey really looks like. Here is my heart laid open for all to see. Could you just pray for me today? I could use it.